feelings...

i am feeling...bad?worse than i ever felt?it doesn't cover the sum of feelings i have got in this very moment...do you know what made it worse?the fact that i have absolutely no reason to be so...i had started school in over a week, it is going great...i am 143...it is also good...i haven't eaten much today...i must be great...but i am not...also i am so sorry for my long absence...i will be a good girl from now on...
starve
blog
write
cry once in awhile
cut once in awhile
i feel as if i am dreaming...floating...being here, but not really here...i am feeling as if i am high(haven't done anything, and never will again). I outside i just heard a thunder(i hate them, not really hate them, more afraid of them)
i am feeling vulnerable...to everyone, as if if i see a person walking on the street, looking at me even if it is just a glance...i am still thinking that she/he read all my secrets, and internally laughs his/her ass of at me...very paranoid of me...i know
I am feeling very alone?do any of you know the feeling you get when, even in a 100 people crowd, you feel like you are in the desert?the problem is that even if A knows most of my secrets, she can't comprehend the exact extent of my traumas, for example, i friend of mine(boy)wanted to surprise me Friday by hugging me from behind at the beginning of the classes...i felt as if my interior was bombarded, panic raising like steam through every pore i have in this despicable fat body...so, the point is that even if i know he won't hurt me anymore, the idea still stands...the panic, the hurt, the feelings of worthlessness, i don't think it will ever go away...*another thunder*
everyone told me that i am thinner...i feel more bloated...i am beginning to think that the more i lose, the fatter i will be...i know it is just an impression.
End of post
Nighty night
"PerfectingMyEmptiness"

last holiday trip...

in less than a week i will start school...part of me wants the school to start, part of me doesn't...the reasons? well i won't be in the same house with food anymore, the contra is that i will have more people watching me.
I have reached my lowest...which is 145...i am happy for my achievement...but also afraid i might break it...i felt so much like a ghost those days...being here...but not really being here...why is it so hard to distinguish the dream from reality?why is it so hard to just realize that my actions have consequences? i am deaf, blind, mute...i am fucked up...beside A and you i don't really have any friends...i just wanna be somewhere alone...to hear my thoughts...to hear the world, but they wouldn't see, hear, feel me...does it sound creepy?yes it does...i am tired, not emotionally this time...i feel as if my body is pulling me down to be lazy and fat.
I love you all
Also the song for this post...i found it some days ago is
Stacie Orrico-Dear Friend

Holiday Update

Tuesday, 24 august

Hei...I just got the awesomest gift...a silver bracelet with shells, from A it is wonderful...I freaking love it. Momster bought me things from the road, which was ok, but i would rather like it more if she bought me something she looked for. Now we are at a house in the heart of the mountains, it is great. I got in too many fights with momster to even remember them. I want to stay here as much as I can, without thinking twice, b/c every second is unique and it has to be liveed at its maximum. Crape diem. At the eating thing...I ate too fucking much,I couldn't puke and still cannot b/c of the cold i caught, and my throat hurts like hell even if i do a simple action like speaking.
I wanna sleep as much as i can:)so nighty night
Love you all

Holiday Update

Monday, 23 august

Hi, we are currently heading towards cluj napoca, a beautiful city. I had 2 slices of meat...awful...and 2 cups of tea...I really don't wanna eat meat...why am I forced to eat meat?? Scratch that...why am I forced to eat anything...
That, I wrote this afternoon. Now, it is night...tomorrow is my birthday...I can't say I wait for it...NOOOO...I stopped waiting for something awesome to happen on my birthday...in my family the most important for momster...for her...it is all about her...from the start to the end...it never was about something else...I used to think that she at least adopted me because she loved me, but I came to the conclusion that she needed something to control...she made the mistake of being a control freak and of taking me for granted...I used to feel guilty if I said something bad to her...but now?no freakin' way. I started to relish in her pain...I was sick of her almost laughing in my face everytime I sufered
This is monday night's postt
Love y'all.

Holiday Update

Sunday, 22 august

Do you believe of love at first sight? I don't...what is the point in loving someone without knowing his qualities and flaws , without being there for him/her for a long time. I personally don't see the point in loving someone if you don't know that one. I heard lots of people saying how "oh, it was love at first sight and oh, how he/she loved a certain someone the moment he/she appeared" HOW MUCH BULLSHIT...most of the relationships end in a way or another so what is the point in lying? Just be honest with you...say she sad nice features/boobs/body/eyes, but don't bullshiT me with love at first sight...I am terribly bored, I am att the mountains, it is lots of fun, but now I am supposed to go to bed, and hell is I feel like sleeping... I am with A and momster, father...it is fun most of the time but when I see girls at restaurants stuffing their mouths with food so rich in calories, and they are so skinny...all my good feelings fly away like they were never there...I got under 150 but I don't think I will last very much...I think I am going vegetarian...after this night of stuffing my mouth with meat I will try not to put any piece of meat in my mouth.
This is sunday night, I will write every night and I will just do copy/paste when I get home.
Nighty night...love y'all