How does the Christmas smell for you? I mean for me, Christmas smells like oranges and pine. For you?

VIKTORIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, Maria Mena is my favorite singer, and her new album is so brilliant, pure genius.

Takes one to know one:

You’ve lived a haunted life
I’ve tried to imagine how I’d feel
If I was thrown into the public eye
Before my wounds had healed

The way you flashed us with your
Scars and told us about your rules
Like we were students in your “how-to-be dramatic” little school.

Now I can understand how
After all that you’ve been through
You’d lock yourself inside
Waiting for us to come and rescue you

But what I can’t fathom is
While imprisoned in yourself
You wouldn’t ever take a look around
Just blame everyone else,

Pulling the “look-at-me-I’m-hurt” card
Got you friends that wouldn’t dare
Question any little tantrum
No, halfway – they would meet you there

Your lover fears your reactions
He’s like a puppy on a leash
He doesn’t tread outside the boundaries
Without saying “please”

Now I can understand how
You’d be scared to trust again
Seeing how fame would be a magnet
For attention seeking friends

But what I can’t fathom is
If your friends lie to keep you calm
You wouldn’t ever ask yourself
Who they go that idea from

I could be scared of you
I would cater to your needs
Your dominating ways, my overwhelming fear of conflict feeds
But I’ve learned to get involved
By admitting more about myself
Takes one to know one hone, trust me take a look inside yourself.

It took me by surprise:

I would react badly To the slightest hint of hesitance He’d bend awkwardly to suit my mood No word from his defense I’d cry knowing how my tears Felt like acid burning through his skin Pushed every little button But the right one that would let me in Now he’s afraid of me Now he’s afraid of me It took me by surprise The hatred in his eyes I’ve pushed this man as far as he could go But he lacked the words to let me know He acted out, now I can see it was my fault I made changes That went unnoticed Sang songs for deaf ears He mistook my silence for punishment As it had been all these years I’d cry knowing how my tears felt like acid burning through his skin Now he’s afraid of me Now he’s afraid of me It took me by surprise The hatred in his eyes I’ve pushed this man as far as he could go But he lacked the words to let me know He acted out, now I can… It took me by surprise The hatred in his eyes I’ve pushed this man as far as he could go But he lacked the words to let me know He acted out, now I can see it was my fault

Secrets:

There’s a room inside your gut
Close the door and keep it shut
Let no daylight enter in
And the punishment begin

Who are you now to decide
Whether or not I can
Be exposed to what you hide
Just be a strong and silent man

But every wrong turn that you make
Will also be my mistake
Cause we’re connected through our hearts
And devastating part
Is that I foolishly defended you to myself
But secrets always have a way of coming out

I’m beginning now to see
What you must have thought of me
In a body-cast of glass
Life-changing information
Should just pass

But I don’t break that easily
And if you dared then you should see
That I can carry all the weight
Of the burdens on your plate

But every wrong turn that you make
Will also be my mistake
Cause we’re connected through our hearts
And devastating part
Is that I foolishly defended you to myself
But secrets always have a way of coming out

But every wrong turn that you make
Will also be my mistake
Cause we’re connected through our hearts
And devastating part
Is that I foolishly defended you to myself
But secrets always have a way of coming out

Am I supposed to apologize:

I wrote a song, a journal
Gave it to the world
Told the story
Of when I was just a girl

I sought understanding
Clarity in truth
By baring all the wounds
Inflicted on my youth

You critizied my voice
To stand up to my past
To give the pain a voice
So that it could pass

But I felt brave
And filled with pride as I let go
Of bitterness that wouldn’t leave or let me grow

And I will spend a lifetime
Trying to understand
Why someone sharing my bloodline
Would not lend me their hand

Am I supposed to apologize?
I’m supposed to apologize
I’m supposed to apologize
I’m supposed to apologize

I loved here more than myself
But she made me choose
Between her and my father
And so I refused

I fled her house and writh
Eleven years of age
Followed the crooked path
That led me to a stage

The curtains opened up
My heart followed the lead
The music wouldn’t stop
And I could finally breathe

But I will spend a lifetime
Trying to understand
Why someone sharing my bloodline
Would not lend me their hand

Would not lend me their hand

Am I supposed to apologize?
I’m supposed to apologize
I’m supposed to apologize
I’m supposed to apologize

The rest of those brilliant songs...discover them by yourself. Really, the album and she as a person are brilliant. LISTEN AND BE AMAZED.

Ever questioned yourself? like obsessively asking yourself why?why?why?

I did that today, and i found some really interesting things about myself, really, you should give it a try. One of my friends grandfather died...that is not nice

I have been having mood swings lately, lots of them, like now i am happy and the next minute i am depressed. My boyfriend has to endure the mental torture :D. I miss something, i do not know what, but i am more than sure i am missing something or someone...how can i find out? how do i remember something i forgot?

Ok and coming back to the asking why thing. It is so interesting and i used it to piss a guy and to make him leave me alone. IT WORKEEEEEEEEEEED.

I love you girls and boys.

Please take good care of your hearts, bodies and minds

And I am always here to "lend you a ear"(actually an eye, but nevermind)

XOXO

PME

sometimes i feel like i cannot do it anymore, sometimes i feel like i am not good enough.

These past weeks have been hectic with all the applying for uni abroad.

You know i told you in a former post that i want to go to Scotland to uni and my parents won't agree?

well they still don't but i am capable of selling a kidney just to get money.

I won't do that, but you got the point.

All the stress and the fuss i have over uni means no hunger at all,

which is in a way good...i forgot how to write, how to tell you how my day has been,

i forgot that you are here for me, and for this i am sorry.

I am a hypocrite, asking you about your life but not telling you about mine.

I have a bf, you already know, let's name him L.

This guy is so so so sweet and kind, buuuuuut he found out about ed and

has been pressing this matter for some time, and i am thinking about dumping him,

i mean he should be able to take me as i am, not try to change me,

even if what i do is wrong for him. I don't know what to do with him,

i mean i see myself with him over years,

but that won't happen for i will go to Scotland and he will stay here, in Romania.

I faint...a lot, part due to not eating part due to stress.

My life in this moment is a complete chaos, i don't know left form right.

I am still a fat cow, i feel like i should be murdered for my fatness...

We were talking today in class, and the teacher asked us if we like taking risks...

when she asked me i had no answer, i didn't know what to say, i had no response.

I forget who i am, i succumb slowly in a world of darkness, at night, i cannot fall asleep,

i dream with my eyes open, at night i feel so alone that i hug myself tightly and cry myself to sleep. I am getting more and more depressed...

father noticed me crying the other night, he asked me why, i felt my throat constricting and i was practically unable to answer, not that i didn't want to answer, just couldn't.

I need some hope, some happiness...

i cannot talk with L about that he is a happy bubbly person,

i don't want to ruin his demeanor, sometimes he makes me laugh,

actually a lot of times, but when i am by myself,

i think about my laugh and realize it was completely fake.

I cannot look at myself in the mirror,

besides when i put make-up or check my hair or something,

you know when you catch a glimpse of yourself in a shop window or something?

i cannot look, it is like the reflection screams at me.

Sometimes i hear voices telling me how ugly i am, how i should be put in a cage.

Ana is my savior in these hard times, she comforts me, she puts her trust in me.

This post is so weird....i feel like i am a little bit better with some of the things i carry out of my chest. Also i have the problem with the uni,

those of you who live in Europe might know what i am talking about,

it is the stereotypes my country meets.

In this stupid country there are a lot of gypsies and they do a lot of crimes,

in the country and outside of it.

And because of them we, students that wish to study abroad,

meet the famous phrase"you are Romanian, that means gypsy" believe it or not,

it is a really big problem. Also i don't really trust my english, i mean,

yes, for this country it might be acceptable,

so in order to fix some problems i have with grammar,

could you tell me the grammar mistakes i usually make when i post?

i would appreciate it so so so much.

Also i would like to thank every one of you that follow me,

i feel extremely special and appreciated when i log on to blogger and i find some new subscribers, that means the world to me, thank you very very much.

I wish you didn't fall asleep while you read this post,

i just wrote the first thoughts that came into my mind, sorry for the randomness :)

Take care of your beautiful mind, body and soul

With love,

PME

PS: What word do you think that fits me? that describes me?

randomness

confusing, mother, answer, sex, drugs, pills, addiction, phone, hospital, anorexia, bulimia, redundant,

pathetic, gregarious, tear, blood, bottle, letter, university, fees, forgotten, memory, song, piano,

pianist fingers, time, randomness, Hate, love, disgust, hurt, dignity, recognition, feelings, numb, mute,

reaction, cane, turned on, youth,songs, musical, crisis, gown, victory, white rose, meeting,

friends, stubborn, cruel, choice, slavery,

RANDOM.

*sigh*

parents refuse to pay for college in scotland, 4 months boyfriend L found out about ana, mia and keeps asking every fucking day what have i eaten, fat as fuck, 148...afraid to wear anything toooo tight.

How have you been?

PME with lots of angry self-mutilating thoughts.

How would it be like to loose you memory? not know who you are?

...

i have a shitty mood..i cannot sleep...i sleep 2 hours every night... and in those 2 hours i have nightmares with everyone i care about being dead...i need help and i forgot how it is to ask...how does someone ask for help?

"Somewhere along the way, you changed and you ceased to be yourself. You allowed people to point you with the finger and tell you you are unworthy."

I did that, didn't I?

i feel distorted.ugly.worthless.wreck.whale.fat.chubby.

lack of wanting.lack of needing.writing.drawing.stretching.feeling.grieving myself.

I have no idea what this is, i just need to write the first things that come into my mind, the first things that enter my clouded twisted mind, i don't know if i want to share this with anyone, i am not sure if there is something to share, i just need to feel my fingers flying over the keyboard, writing anything there is, i just need to feel alive and moving and i want not to cut and if i stop writing now, i will cut and i don't want it, i know i sound like a 5 years old and i don't care, i just want to stop wanting the razor blade as my friend, i want it to be my enemy not my copying mechanism. I cannot stop moving my fingers, i need something else, i need a new obsession to live for, i need someone to make me feel nice about what, how i am, i want you, whoever you are, i want to scream my problems out loud, not whisper them to the wind, i want to be able to show my true feelings, not my mask made of glass. I want something, i crave something and that is a blade, but i am not home, and i exactly ask someone if they have a blade. So i am stuck to writing and you are,,hopefully,, stuck to reading my deranged weird words, they feel like little black holes in my big white mind. I know this might win the inexistent award of the most boring, random, grey-ish post ever, but if it makes me stop cutting then, so be it, that is actually why i created a blog, to vent, to express myself in ways that i cannot do it in real life, to show myself to others, because if i wouldn't have you guys, i would have been too tired to hold the mask to my face, and it would have fallen and that would have sucked big big big time, so than you even if you are not aware of the fact that i exist(i don't even know who am i talking to right now). I wish i had a black big big xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxl jacket to hide in it and be safe. I wish i would own a forest with trees, to laugh to hear everything, every creak of every branch, every footstep in the mud, everything, to feel like i am in control of whoever walks into my forest. Yes, i will just shut my computer and continue writing on a piece of paper that i will later burn to ashes, like everything else that gave me security even for a few seconds. Crappy post, i don't know why i still continue writing...OMGGGGGGGGG blogger ville keeps me trapped, i cannot stop typing.

Kidding, i will stop and move on to a (like any normal being would have done from the beginning) piece of paper.

Take Care

PME

unsynchronized,

not functioning,

having trouble;

cut, binge, purge, starve;

bad marks,

not being able to focus,

being a fail during classes;

binge, purge, bite, cut;

fights with momster,

fighting battles that aren't mine,

trusting people i shouldn't;

starve, scream, cut, binge;

forgetting to post,

wanting to post but feeling not good enough,

the heart breaking every sad post, song, movie i read/listen/watch;

starve, cry, scream, binge;

breaking up with the boy from Czech Republic,

extremely low self-esteem, envy;

cry, scream, try, binge;

trying to keep up with the changes,

writing letters and not showing them to anyone,

re-learning to live.

IFOF is a term that means "identification friend or foe" most commonly used in the aircraft industry. It is a thing on an airplane that tells people reading the signal if they are a friend or foe. We now have a system of our own. I got this from another site: Have you ever wondered if the skinny girl you see has an ED (A or M)? And proud of it? You so desperately want to ask, or even try to make friends but are scared? Well, no more ... since we have our ribbon "Ana is a lifestyle..." and its red.

I propose that we all get a red beaded bracelet. You can make it or buy them. Wear it daily or when you go out to secretly say that you are proud to be pro-ana or proud to have an ED that is. Anytime you see someone wearing a red beaded bracelet, capture their eye contact and point to your bracelet, and if they return the same point to theirs ... then they are ED friendly. If not, then its just someone who is wearing one.

As for those who are older and feel silly wearing a beaded bracelet, wear a red t-shirt every Monday or when you go out on Mondays.

i want to send a special thank you to everyone of you,

beautiful souls,

who follow me.

Every one of you has helped me so much,

when i wanted to cease this life.

You are my power and my strength.

My life right now is a complete chaos...

i don't know where i am heading in life,

i don't know what i want to be in the future.

Some say it is normal that one doesn't know who he is,

i am not so sure,

and if it is indeed normal,

then it is a horrible feeling.

In the easter holiday i was in Prague,

wonderful city,

also it is very different from every other city i visited.

It has two faces, the daytime face and in the night everything changes,

it becomes a city of lights, a city of wonders, of alcohol.

It has magic in it,

I felt so different?

like i am part of every brick from every building,

i felt as if the city was breathing through every pore of my skin,

through every thought of my mind.

Remember when i told you, in an older post about an international theater project?

Well there was this guy, sweet and charming, he is from Prague, he acts with me as if i am a porcelain doll sometimes, but sometimes he acts as if i am his best friend.

I think, ladies that i fell in love,

i don't know what he did but he shattered almost every brick i have,

every wall that surrounds my heart.

I told him about the rape, the MPD/bipolarity,

but i didn't tell him about Ana, Mia, these are my secrets,

my only secrets that i didn't tell him.

The wonderful thing is that he was not repulsed or anything,

he was just curious, he analyzes me, he wants to know me, he knows when i am sad, tired, upset. The problem is that i live in Bucharest, Romania.

I know that long distance relationships don't last,

i knew it when i got together, i know it now, but i couldn't and still cannot help it.

He attracts me in a way no one did, not P nor anyone else.

What advices do you have concerning long distance relationships? Don't tell me it is not possible...

What have you been doing?

Vizzy if you read this, pleeeeeeeease give me a sign:)

I love you all, beautiful souls. Thank you for the power you give me, power to keep going, power to want to be better, power to live.

Take good care of your beautiful, warrior souls.

"PerfectingMyEmptiness"

questions with no answers

it is not normal to feel tired all the time...it is not normal to feel worthless all the time.

Why can't i be normal?

Do you believe in God?

i am tired of feeling proud for losing weight, i am tired of not being able to see beautiful parts in life...maybe i am just tired of me.

hmm

I did something very good today...i looked over my e-mails from blogger, that contained all the beautiful comments you all left me and i was thinking...wow i am really cherished by someone...you have absolutely no idea how wonderful that made me feel.

I would like to thank you all,

especially

Vizzy who despite of her unjust self-hatred is such a beautiful girl, and who could do anything she wishes if she would just believe in herself,

helen whose beauty shines through her beautiful words and the beauty and uniqueness of her heart,

battleinmind who has a special way of making me feel better, she makes me feel really normal, and that is kind of hard to find for me,

emily whose craziness makes me smile or cry but always she makes me feel not lethargic anymore, and that is good:)

margg is also one of my favorite people out there, she is so caring, so loving, she seems like a calm person on the outside, but her inside turmoils nobody knows,

rachel is as her blog's title truly a broken butterfly, but i know she will find a way to find herself and to find the crack in her mind, she is a relatively new acquittance but i feel like i can really talk to her,

sweet pea who has a very big wish of getting better even if she doesn't see that,

also baby steps(zette)? i can't read you blog anymore:(:(:(please, i need you words, they are addictive.

Those and many many others have helped me so much, when i was on the bring of suicide, when my wanting to like was close to none.

Thank you, because of you i am here today and not in a graveyard.

A big thank you from the bottom of my heart for

keeping me sane in insane situations,

for keeping me above the water when all i wanted was to sink deeper and deeper.

Thank You

"PerfectingMyEmptiness"

Crina

decisions...

i wish i wouldn't be soo...depressed all the time.
I can't remember the time i laughed for real.
I just laugh, a visibly fake laugh but no one ever notices.
I wish i was normal, really normal...
i wish i am more brave,
i wish i would help more people,
why do i have to be so selfish?there are so many kind, beautiful girls.I wish i was like them.
Or i wish i would be like other girls who are just a fat as i am,
and they do not care they can wear a skirt and not give a damn about what others care.
I wish i wasn't a coward.
I wish i stop cutting.
I read an old journal of mine, from when i was little.
I was the kind of girl who talked with everyone,
who would never get upset,
who hated crying in front of others,
who hated crying altogether,
i had no reason to cry then,
i was happy.
Believe it or not, i was truly happy.
I am now fucked up. I think randomly during the day like, 4 or 5 times" I wish i was dead" and the thing is that nobody sees, nobody suspects anything ever.
There was a vote in the sociology class, Who is the person you unlike the most.
And i had the biggest score.
Nobody understands why i do things, nobody cares enough to care.
I hate myself for being a moaning fat bitch,
i want to cut all the fat,
and to metamorphosis, from a caterpillar into a beautiful butterfly.
I often wonder if i would stop talking , would anyone notice?i don't think so, as long as i don't show signs of being abnormal, nobody would notice. One part of myself wishes for everyone to understand, but the other part realizes that it is not the answer.
I wish the voices that argue in my head would stop and let me take decisions...
I hate myself, i cut like 6 times in 3 days,
my body is horrible not only from the fat now,
but for the cuts too.
I will stop burdening you with such details.
I may stop blogging. Thank you for your support during the time i blogged. You have been nothing short of amazing. You all are soo beautiful, with kind hearts too. I love you all.
Take care of your beautiful mind and body, and last but not least your beautiful hearts.
End of post

my favorite artist has been and will forever remain Enya.:

Boadicea-tells the story of queen Boadicea(look for details),

Cursum Perficio this song was inspired by an inscription found in the portico of the last home of Marilyn Monroe"My journey ends here",

Aldebaran -is the name of the planet that contains the center of defense. This is the group that fights their wars and is somewhat of a splinter group from the rest of the Pleiadian culture. They are very protective of their fellow Pleiadians; sometimes too much so.

Storms in Africa-get through it, don't run from your problems. She says "long journey, LOOK THROUGH the storm"

look beyond your trouble, there'll be some solution. After the storm, the blessing of the water will be the success and your achievement, you know --mistake / trouble that does not kill you only makes you stronger--

And many other beautiful songs.

I warmly suggest her songs for when one wants to forget everything but the relaxing music.

what do you do when...

what can i do when i need to be alone and not offend anyone?
i sometimes feel alone and i want it this way.
I am so sorry for my long absence, it was due to network failure.
Oh and talking about failures, i am one too:)
In every aspect possible.
I love you from my bottom of my heart
"PerfectingMyEmptiness"

I don't think i ever considered myself a woman. I would like to consider myself forever a child. The thing is that my middle school was not the most pleasant time in my life...fuck it, it was horrible, i used to be bullied, people who wanted to be my friends couldn't be because of the outside influence. Every friend i have made eventually have fallen out.
That is why i have made myself used to not depending on something or someone. But then the rape happened, Ana happened, Mia happened, MPD happened...How have i managed to get so, so disordered?I keep asking myself this.
Also i am the not proud at all owner of 145 pounds. I seem to be in the never ending getting lower and then back again and so on.
Today i ate 2 chocolate bars, and a portion of pasta.
I look at myself and am disgusted. How i would wish to be small and vulnerable. you know when you see a person and she is tiny and thin, you have the immense desire to protect her. That is who i want to be...Will i ever be so?

oops

my parents just told me that i might not go to London for college...even tough i pay half of the money needed.
Apparently i am not mature enough, and i still will not be in one year and a half...I cook, i do all the cleaning in the house, i also fix if anything is broken...not mature enough my ass...it is just like her to step over my dreams and hopes...i will rot in this country. I feel quite miserable now...

constants, masks and other things

everything, every single thing is just passing by in our life.

There is no constant, nothing to help me hang on.

Every person just left his/her mark on me/ my soul and just up and about.

They never look back.

Why?

Is there really no one who is able to stay constant on one fucking thing?

does everyone have to change their opinion every time?

what about me?

where am i?

if everyone goes away, where does that leave me?

will i always be just a curled figure on the floor?

I just want to be loved.

Not to be left alone.

It makes me think about that night and many other that have passed since then.

I don't want to be alone with my thoughts.

They are more destructive than every other thing.

I hate how my mind wanders, pointing to the things that i always want to avoid.

I don't even make sense to myself, how can i expect anyone else to make sense of what i am, of how much i am worth, of who i am?

The past week has been...numb.

If you asked me even the most representative thing that has happened i couldn't tell you.

It is like my mind is a vault.

I don't want to think

I don't want to feel

I don't want to be hurt

I don't want everything i worked so hard to mend, to be broken with a thought.

I don't want anymore hypocrites in my life

I don't want to miss something when that thing is gone

I don't want to be lost

I don't want to be gone

I don't want to crave something i don't have

I don't want to disappoint

i don't want to set some goals i know i can't achieve

i don't want to fight lost battles or battle that aren't mine anymore.

I guess i don't want to be myself anymore

need

i need to feel something


i need to be loved


i need someone to love


i need to be skinny


i need to get myself together


i need to stop being scared of heartbreak


i need to sleep


i need to stop this lethargic state




i need to stop cutting


i need to stop disappointing


i need to get away from momster


i need to stop being a whiny little bitch


i need to re-learn to solve my own damn problems


i need...something

i feel drained...

something hit me today...hard...

No, not physically, but mentally, i had religion class today, and the teacher talked about abortion and the great sin that is against God.
It got me thinking that what if he would have let me pregnant?how many girls get pregnant from something like that? A sin?I don't think it is a sin, i think it would be a sin if the rape victim would keep the baby. She would, without necessarily wanting, blame the baby. He/she would be held responsible of a fact that had nothing to do with the brutal act. I am not against abortion, i could never be, i put myself in her shoes, i would do it without thinking twice, even if that would of course traumatize me, i would do it without second thoughts.
Do you think i am mistaken in my thinking?
Please answer.
End of Post
"PerfectingMyEmptiness"

awesome song

vega choir- creep