fears being revealed here:)

This post is from Friday:


God, it is 1 a.m. and i don't seem to be able to sleep in the near future.
I am sitting on the bed,
in a room in which I've had many nightmares,
in which every shadow seemed to frighten me,
every noise startled me.
I am at my grandmothers, with A, she is sleeping besides me, and my mom, who sleeps in the other room.


Everything is fabulous,
the weather chilly but nice, everything is fine...
than why i am so...panicked??
I used to come here for every summer until 3 years ago,
when momster got into a fight with grandmomster.


We came now because she has cancer, and momster is kinda of concerned for her.
I used to think that sleeping in this room alone was the worst thing possible.


I have grown up in 3 years more than others in 10.
Now i would give everything to be able to exchange the fright of dark for my past. There still are moments in which i am scared of the dark,
but for other reasons.
I would love to hear about your fears,
yous mental(like afraid of being alone)
or your physical(like fear of bugs?),
i would like to hear about
your biggest nightmare,
best dream.



Share something with me:)

End of post

Love is in our scars, bones.


"PerfectingMyEmptiness"
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

past deeds...

This post is from last Wednesday, i couldn't enter on blogger to post it:


Being Enough:
Is being enough enough for anyone?
Let's say you have a goal in life, once you reach the goal, where you go from that point?
Won't you want to chase another goal?
to make it accomplish?
Is life just a chasing after opportunities, goals?
My goal weight is 130, my weight on the other hand is 150. I know i have work to do but i have to be part of my peers to just chase goals...
i know that once (Goddess help me to get there)i get there i would want more and more, meaning less and less...
i am really scared of it...
My main problem is addiction:
A year ago i escaped from mt biggest soon to become nightmare besides the rape...
...drugs...
i am sorry for not telling you guys about it,
but it felt too much of a failure until now...
what has changed?my trust i really trust you girls&guys, with all my secrets.
A year after the rape i smoked for the first time weed,
i felt freed from all
the guilt,
the disgust,
the sadness.
I was truly amazed, i thought i have discovered the way of forgetting everything...
I couldn't have been more right, i did forget everything when i was high, but something i haven't anticipated happened...
i forgot myself too, who i am, my standards...
i forgot myself in the process of forgetting the past...
it was when i started to realize i had a problem, i made it to the shore, escaped the addiction...
it was then i realized that everything that happened has turned me into who i am today...
perhaps if i had a perfect life,
i would have turned into a shallow, bimbo, type which i despise, or maybe a nerd(more than i really am) or a...
i don't know who i could have been,
hell i don't even know who i truly am right now,
but i am not necessary sorry of anything that has happened.
It made me who i am today, and because of that i thank Him, my real dad, and everyone that hurt me, loved me, despised me, bullied me...Thank you...
End of post
Love is in our scars, bones, imperfections.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
"PerfectingMyEmptiness"

never did something in my life?

so my mom keeps yelling in my face that i can't do anything in my life, that i can't be good enough...and then she expects me to think highly of myself?she is upset without reasons, i got my grades today and she has started to yell that i have raised you to be proud of you, but i am ashamed...what makes her have the right to say that?she doesn't even know me, she doesn't know anything about me...absolutely nothing...why does she think that i am worthless?she didn't try to see how much i really worth...she doesn't want to realize that maybe i am capable of doing something with my life...
when did she cleaned the house last time?when was she really worried about the state of the house?when did she tried to teach me something?to just love me?
when i needed her the most she wasn't there,
when i was raped she chose to leave me alone,
when my best friend died...she chose to not see what i was going through...i lost then my last straw of sanity left in my mind...with his death...my life was empty...she never saw me for who i am but for who she wanted me to be and for who i wasn't...the truth is that i never reached her expectations...i could never even get a "good enough" out of her...she was always"it could have been better, but it wasn't so you don't deserve anything from me"...she never saw that i am better just by realizing that i am imperfect...i have flaws...a lot of them actually...
she thinks she can do everything, she has them all...she is a gift given to us by the mighty God...because of her i kept drowning in my own boiling water...i kept drowning in the bully i received at school, she never chose to see everything i went through...she is disappointed?no more than i am of her...
why did she adopted me?
was i another of her ambitions?
was i there just a piece of furniture with which she wanted to see if she can design it the way she wanted?and when she saw that the piece of furniture actually has her own beliefs that were different from what she thought that was good?
was i just that?
Why does she keeps tormenting me with the past?that if i wasn't in this family, she wouldn't fight with dad?
she doesn't know that i was here in that family to give an ally to dad?
so he could have the power to speak up?
she will have her beliefs,
her perfection,
but in real life,
she will be alone, with no one there to support her,
she will have to live with herself alone, without anyone there for her...
I will have
my imperfection,
my father,
my friends,
A,
Ana,
and i will have the world, meaning all of you, that are from everywhere in the world...America, Anglia, Australia etc.
"We will always have Paris" the famous quote says...well in our case we will always have blogger ville...and it suffices me enough...
I am very frustrated right now...i am sorry for me moaning to all of you...
you are the ones that give me strength...
Be proud of you imperfections..it is what gives us strength to hang on through cutting, starving, crying, hating...realizing that we do have flaws and that we can repair them...
Love is in our scars, bones, imperfections
End of post
"PerfectingMyEmptiness"