i am tired of feeling proud for losing weight, i am tired of not being able to see beautiful parts in life...maybe i am just tired of me.

hmm

I did something very good today...i looked over my e-mails from blogger, that contained all the beautiful comments you all left me and i was thinking...wow i am really cherished by someone...you have absolutely no idea how wonderful that made me feel.

I would like to thank you all,

especially

Vizzy who despite of her unjust self-hatred is such a beautiful girl, and who could do anything she wishes if she would just believe in herself,

helen whose beauty shines through her beautiful words and the beauty and uniqueness of her heart,

battleinmind who has a special way of making me feel better, she makes me feel really normal, and that is kind of hard to find for me,

emily whose craziness makes me smile or cry but always she makes me feel not lethargic anymore, and that is good:)

margg is also one of my favorite people out there, she is so caring, so loving, she seems like a calm person on the outside, but her inside turmoils nobody knows,

rachel is as her blog's title truly a broken butterfly, but i know she will find a way to find herself and to find the crack in her mind, she is a relatively new acquittance but i feel like i can really talk to her,

sweet pea who has a very big wish of getting better even if she doesn't see that,

also baby steps(zette)? i can't read you blog anymore:(:(:(please, i need you words, they are addictive.

Those and many many others have helped me so much, when i was on the bring of suicide, when my wanting to like was close to none.

Thank you, because of you i am here today and not in a graveyard.

A big thank you from the bottom of my heart for

keeping me sane in insane situations,

for keeping me above the water when all i wanted was to sink deeper and deeper.

Thank You

"PerfectingMyEmptiness"

Crina

decisions...

i wish i wouldn't be soo...depressed all the time.
I can't remember the time i laughed for real.
I just laugh, a visibly fake laugh but no one ever notices.
I wish i was normal, really normal...
i wish i am more brave,
i wish i would help more people,
why do i have to be so selfish?there are so many kind, beautiful girls.I wish i was like them.
Or i wish i would be like other girls who are just a fat as i am,
and they do not care they can wear a skirt and not give a damn about what others care.
I wish i wasn't a coward.
I wish i stop cutting.
I read an old journal of mine, from when i was little.
I was the kind of girl who talked with everyone,
who would never get upset,
who hated crying in front of others,
who hated crying altogether,
i had no reason to cry then,
i was happy.
Believe it or not, i was truly happy.
I am now fucked up. I think randomly during the day like, 4 or 5 times" I wish i was dead" and the thing is that nobody sees, nobody suspects anything ever.
There was a vote in the sociology class, Who is the person you unlike the most.
And i had the biggest score.
Nobody understands why i do things, nobody cares enough to care.
I hate myself for being a moaning fat bitch,
i want to cut all the fat,
and to metamorphosis, from a caterpillar into a beautiful butterfly.
I often wonder if i would stop talking , would anyone notice?i don't think so, as long as i don't show signs of being abnormal, nobody would notice. One part of myself wishes for everyone to understand, but the other part realizes that it is not the answer.
I wish the voices that argue in my head would stop and let me take decisions...
I hate myself, i cut like 6 times in 3 days,
my body is horrible not only from the fat now,
but for the cuts too.
I will stop burdening you with such details.
I may stop blogging. Thank you for your support during the time i blogged. You have been nothing short of amazing. You all are soo beautiful, with kind hearts too. I love you all.
Take care of your beautiful mind and body, and last but not least your beautiful hearts.
End of post

my favorite artist has been and will forever remain Enya.:

Boadicea-tells the story of queen Boadicea(look for details),

Cursum Perficio this song was inspired by an inscription found in the portico of the last home of Marilyn Monroe"My journey ends here",

Aldebaran -is the name of the planet that contains the center of defense. This is the group that fights their wars and is somewhat of a splinter group from the rest of the Pleiadian culture. They are very protective of their fellow Pleiadians; sometimes too much so.

Storms in Africa-get through it, don't run from your problems. She says "long journey, LOOK THROUGH the storm"

look beyond your trouble, there'll be some solution. After the storm, the blessing of the water will be the success and your achievement, you know --mistake / trouble that does not kill you only makes you stronger--

And many other beautiful songs.

I warmly suggest her songs for when one wants to forget everything but the relaxing music.