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OK, first of all, i would like to thank to 2 people:
Olive and "Words From a Sufferer".
I am still 148,
but because of an unknown cause last week or something like that i gained 4 pounds, but i have exercised like crazy and got back to "normal".
Also i have decided that i need to see a psychologist,
i guess you wonder what triggered this decision.
Well mainly because of something that happened yesterday morning,
i hadn't heard the alarm so i slept too much and got woken up
by my mother with her saying "Wake up beautiful princess".
And i just froze on the spot. She hasn't called me this since the rape...
i was fucking crazy, i couldn't stop crying...
It made me wonder what was real in my life...
did i just woke up from a nightmare??
Have i made up the rape and everything else?am i that nuts?
I felt like i am loosing my mind, and she was just sitting there,
almost crying, saying "am i that horrible", i felt like i was choking and went to the bathroom, and stayed there until she left for work.
I felt this intense need of cutting...
but instead i sticked my fingers down my throat
and purged everything i had inside. After that i came to the conclusion i can't survive without hurting myself or the people around me.
Also i have discovered wonderful song, it is called


sia-breath me:


Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me




Again thank you so much, Olive for the comment,
if you want, you can check my story on the other posts.
Although to be honest when i read Olive's comment i felt like a faker...
i am not that strong girl she thinks i am...
i am just powerless, without any kindness.
I felt like i am fooling her, if she thinks i am a strong person...
for example, in that night, i fought a little but then i waited for it to finish...i was in lethargy,
that state of mind when you are barely alive and almost dead...
i felt drained, powerless, worthless.
I felt him in me and i couldn't even speak, i couldn't even move...
i just let that thing take advantage of me, without fighting back...
I was just thinking that sometimes soon it would end, with me dead...
but it wasn't like that...i was left there fucking alive...



End of post
"PerfectingMyEmptiness"

Not worth reading...just stupid things

I am so sorry about not posting...
i just had a very crazy idea that if i don't think about my problems and if i don't blog it will all dissapear.
You know when you just wish to close your eyes and wish that when you reopen them everything is perfect???
this is what I've been doing...
trying to deny Ana the place she deserves.
I should've known better. Now it is ten times herder to just be perfect, thin gracious, not that i would actually get to be perfect some day.
Today a very "nice" thing happened:
I came home at about 10 A.M.,
and was in the bathroom getting the bandages from my cuts changed when my dad bumps(literally) in. He took his keys and just went out.
Now he looks like he saw me for the first time,
he doesn't even want to talk to me...i am so fucked up.
I guess that after everything that has happened to me,
he just thought that i am the strong big(very big) girl he dreamed of...
well *newsflash*, dad being raped and then being dejected by so many people kind of ruins the life of even the strongest person(which i am not).
I think i am going nuts, i haven't eaten since(today is Tuesday???)
since Thursday, i feel the room spinning with me,
i have a sick feeling in my stomach, but the feeling in my heart it is stronger...
my friends think i have finally gone mad...
I don't care, for the love of a non-existent God,
i don't care...they all could go fuck themselves...call me emo, worthless, everything you'd like.
I have thought so much of suicide...
more than in the usual fucking days...
i don't know if i have the power necessary,
plus i keep having nightmares with the piece of shit that raped me saying,
they can't love a such dirty little creature...
and the worse is that my sick shit filled mind is right...
why would they love me??i don't have nothing to offer...
just baggage to much fucking baggage...
Right now the self-injuring and Ana are the only things left,
that and maybe death...
I am sorry for this post and i hope that no one reads this...
it isn't worth reading.
I am sorry if i don't blog for awhile...
i don't have anything remotely interesting to say
I am sorry
"PerfectingMyEmptiness"