sometimes i feel like i cannot do it anymore, sometimes i feel like i am not good enough.
These past weeks have been hectic with all the applying for uni abroad.
You know i told you in a former post that i want to go to Scotland to uni and my parents won't agree?
well they still don't but i am capable of selling a kidney just to get money.
I won't do that, but you got the point.
All the stress and the fuss i have over uni means no hunger at all,
which is in a way good...i forgot how to write, how to tell you how my day has been,
i forgot that you are here for me, and for this i am sorry.
I am a hypocrite, asking you about your life but not telling you about mine.
I have a bf, you already know, let's name him L.
This guy is so so so sweet and kind, buuuuuut he found out about ed and
has been pressing this matter for some time, and i am thinking about dumping him,
i mean he should be able to take me as i am, not try to change me,
even if what i do is wrong for him. I don't know what to do with him,
i mean i see myself with him over years,
but that won't happen for i will go to Scotland and he will stay here, in Romania.
I faint...a lot, part due to not eating part due to stress.
My life in this moment is a complete chaos, i don't know left form right.
I am still a fat cow, i feel like i should be murdered for my fatness...
We were talking today in class, and the teacher asked us if we like taking risks...
when she asked me i had no answer, i didn't know what to say, i had no response.
I forget who i am, i succumb slowly in a world of darkness, at night, i cannot fall asleep,
i dream with my eyes open, at night i feel so alone that i hug myself tightly and cry myself to sleep. I am getting more and more depressed...
father noticed me crying the other night, he asked me why, i felt my throat constricting and i was practically unable to answer, not that i didn't want to answer, just couldn't.
I need some hope, some happiness...
i cannot talk with L about that he is a happy bubbly person,
i don't want to ruin his demeanor, sometimes he makes me laugh,
actually a lot of times, but when i am by myself,
i think about my laugh and realize it was completely fake.
I cannot look at myself in the mirror,
besides when i put make-up or check my hair or something,
you know when you catch a glimpse of yourself in a shop window or something?
i cannot look, it is like the reflection screams at me.
Sometimes i hear voices telling me how ugly i am, how i should be put in a cage.
Ana is my savior in these hard times, she comforts me, she puts her trust in me.
This post is so weird....i feel like i am a little bit better with some of the things i carry out of my chest. Also i have the problem with the uni,
those of you who live in Europe might know what i am talking about,
it is the stereotypes my country meets.
In this stupid country there are a lot of gypsies and they do a lot of crimes,
in the country and outside of it.
And because of them we, students that wish to study abroad,
meet the famous phrase"you are Romanian, that means gypsy" believe it or not,
it is a really big problem. Also i don't really trust my english, i mean,
yes, for this country it might be acceptable,
so in order to fix some problems i have with grammar,
could you tell me the grammar mistakes i usually make when i post?
i would appreciate it so so so much.
Also i would like to thank every one of you that follow me,
i feel extremely special and appreciated when i log on to blogger and i find some new subscribers, that means the world to me, thank you very very much.
I wish you didn't fall asleep while you read this post,
i just wrote the first thoughts that came into my mind, sorry for the randomness :)
Take care of your beautiful mind, body and soul
With love,
PME
PS: What word do you think that fits me? that describes me?
