Presents...

Post from Sunday:)
So, today was GOOD.
Yesterday when I cam home,
cooked the menu for the anniversary and surprisingly momster helped me a lot,
and we laughed and talked…weird…
After cooking I cleaned the whole house and regular stuff.
Today everything was perfect, on schedule.
The guests arrived at the right time,
in the right order…I am a little OCD:D .
Last night momster saw me puking, she took the conclusion that I was sick and today I only had to put my hand on my fatty stomach when momster or someone would ask why I am not eating and she would say that is alright, I don’t have to eat…
I got heaps of present, the best ones are:
a necklace from no one else than my momster, with a C with diamonds engraved,
and a ring made of silver(I hate gold, plastic and anything else but silver) with a tiny wonderful stone engraved…simply fabulous
It really was a great day, plus I haven’t eaten almost nothing ;))
I feel very giddy, plus I drank like a whole bottle of strawberry champagne ;))
End of post, my lovelies;)):*
“PerfectingMyEmptiness”

This post is from Saturday, but I haven’t had time to post it, I just wrote it on a piece of paper
So the guy still pretends that he is OK but he is not and I can see it…
Why do people feel the need to pretend?
Man especially. They have the ego bigger than the whole room.
They are the tough sex, they have to be protective.
Why do they feel the need to protect us? us: the weak and beautiful sex?
Weak my ass…I am a block of meat, fat and very little muscle…why would I need protection? Judging by the stupid things I have done, the only person I need protection from is me.
They say that chivalry is dead…I for one am happy that it is so.
Of course that we feel good when the guy opens the door for us,
when he comes with red roses to the date (I hate red roses, I don’t know why),
but when the start with shit like:
they don’t cry because it makes them weak,
they can’t feel pain, they aren’t hurt when a girl dumps their sorry ass,
they don’t fall in love at first sight,
they don’t want to make us feel bad, even if they are hurt and we made mistakes.
I am standing fro half and hour in the social center of my city and I am amazed at how stupid people can be.
There is this pub/cafe that opens at 4 p.m. and if someone passes me I know for sure they are going to that pub/cafe so I tell them that it isn’t open until 4,
but do they believe me? NOOOOO, of course not, they have to check for themselves…
be my guests…and they have to walk like 15 minutes from where I stand to the pub…
and after half an hour, they return with sad puppy faces: ))=))stupid people…
I am laughing my sorry fat ass off.
I am afraid to step on the scale…last time I checked…
gaaahhhh…and so far I had a diet coke,
and apple and a cup of diet milk mixed with banana…
I hope that this time it says better.
I love the nature…I don’t know how I would have made it without it…
Just staying in a forest and “hearing” the silence makes me feel so calm.
Just looking at the spotless blue sky makes me feel so pure…so untouched.
Just feeling the wind blow in my face makes me feel so strong, because no matter its force it won’t deter me from my goals.
Just hearing the nature symphony relaxes me and it gives me inspiration (not thinspiration;))) I feel refreshed by the symphony because the notes of the song are always different. I never found the same song twice in nature.
There is so much to learn from the nature…
you just have to pay attention to everything surrounding you.
I feel so good today…tomorrow is my anniversary.
(Another group passed me by and didn’t listen to me:)))
I am smoking my favorite kind of cigarettes and analyzing everything around me.
Yep I am feeling damn good today.
I am thinking about going to a theater nearby.
You ask what is onstage? I have no idea but I am going to the theater:))
Thanks to “WordsFromASufferer” I am thinking about my whole” aversion” to God.
She says that having a belief helped her to go through life better.
Well I don’t feel the same.
There were so many occasions when I felt my walls crumpling down and asked for divine help and I got in change more shit…
I respect others belief but I also respect my own life, belief and experience.
I understand that believing in something helps but I just don’t think that God is the right help for me.
So end of post…I hope you have understood something from my thoughts, if not…I felt better sharing nonsense from my nonsense world and I don’t pretend to understand all of it that is…I am already struggling in analyzing what I know so far.
P.S. For the guys that have read this…I didn’t mean to offend you, if you think different…please enlighten me.
End of post
“PerfectingMyEmptiness”

carnivorous plant....

This post is from Friday, but i haven't had the time to post it
I hate it…So…
I met a guy and decided to act all coupley-coupley with him…
and I couldn’t even kiss him without getting flashes of what happened in the past.
Sometimes I just wish to disappear …
Not only I am fucked up, but I fucked (metaphorically speaking) him too.
I mean WHY…What past life sins do I have? I can’t even be with a guy without remembering?
I am so insecure about everything concerning myself right now.
Plus I have been reading stuff lately about Buddhism and past lives and I am bound to think I was a carnivore plant (Dionaea Muscipula).
Couldn’t I have just a normal life, a normal boyfriend, a thin and healthy body?
I resent everything about me.
The boy, M, was very nice about everything and because my fucked up essence I broke up with him in the worst way, through messages.
And what amazed me the most is that he wasn’t even extremely upset about the whole thing, if I was him, I wouldn’t even speak with myself.
To top everything, I weighted last night and I was fucking 152 pounds…
I WANT TO DIE…I really want to die...This way I won’t be able to hurt anyone.
End of post. I sincerely hope that your lives are better than mine.
“PerfectingMyEmptiness”

La-la Land...comment please

Every time i was down, almost nobody was there to pick me up, so i taught my mind and body to help itself...i had to be enough for myself.
Sometimes i don't know it is worth to fight in order to reach the shore, when i can just leave myself drawn.
Sometimes i just want to bury myself in the depths of my soul...to the La-la Land where i don't have to
hear,
feel,
see,
react,
touch,
speak,
write,
communicate,
hold onto,
suffer,
attack,
cry,
cut,
purge,
binge,
eat,
watch something,
focus on sth,
hold onto sth,
be bullied,
be in the "crowd",
worry,
save,
pretend,
hurt myself,
hurt someone,
sleep,
get fatter,
listen to someone not even remotely interesting,
be ashamed,
be vulnerable,
hide,
see myself,
disappoint myself and others,
occupy all the chair with my fat,
be bored, feel obliged to do sth,
hate others when i can just hate myself,
TO REMEMBER.
This is my La-la Land...the perfect refuge without:
past,
other human beings,
words,
actions,
scenery.








Could you all comment about your La-la Land? this way i won't feel the need to go into a mental institution about my imagining things:)



End of post.
"Love is in our scars and bones"
"PerfectingMyEmptiness"

Hello again:)

So i have been seeing a psychologist, i felt very good during sessions.
But unfortunately, my dear momster, said that she doesn't have the money to pay for it anymore,
and if i really need to talk to somebody,
i should be able to talk to her not some stranger.
Yeah mom, *newsflash* i have been trying to talk to you since...well, since forever, not my fault you chose to ignore the problem instead if solving it.
So after a call from the psychologist she will let me go 3 more times...
She really is something...i mean she doesn't have money for me to go to the gym, she doesn't have money for me to go to the therapist,
but she does have money for her monthly spa, for her hobby, a really retarded one, but who am i to say something?my hobby is starving:)).
i really hate her.
plus, being nervous makes me want to eat more and more...i haven't been to good on the scale...
See you later, lovelies.
"PerfectingMyEmptiness"
xoxo

Dear Anonymous...

Dear Anonymous,
You are an Idiot.
Do you have any idea how have i wished that all my life was just some silly bullshit made up by me?
Do you have any idea how many times i wondered if i made everything up?
Do you have any idea how every time someone does something nice or unexpected I get all emo, wondering if i am a stupid girl who only makes her life harder by making up "bullshit"?
Do you have any idea how i wished to have a place like blogger ville where i can be completely honest about who i am and what has happened to me?
No you don't know anything about me, you do not have even the slightest idea about who i am.
Where you anywhere near me when i was thinking about suicide and how i want to wash everything dirty from myself?
Where you there when i finally realized that i couldn't, and that no matter what i couldn't erase the shit that has happened?
Where you there when i realized that i am who i am because of the things that had happened?
Are you there, following every step i make?every move?
Are you there when my emotions go haywire?
No, you were not, and never will be so don't you dare say to me that all my life has been bullshit, i won't allow it.
I hope you will be reading it.
PS: For those who don't know what the hell i am talking about:
I have received a comment from some anonymous(a coward) on the blog entry about my life saying that he smells bullshit in my life story. I will not allow him to say that, so i didn't post his comment...this is all i had to say:)
"PerfectingMyEmptiness"
xoxo