for you all: deserving or non-deserving?

This post is for all of you,
You have gone through so much that sometimes i am baffled of your strength and desire of surviving. Never think for one second that you don't deserve something. You all have such beautiful souls, and you all deserve your piece of heaven, someone for whom you are the world, maybe you have that person nearer than you expect, just don't see it. Never allow anyone to step on your pride and on your accomplishments.You deserve the best and only the best.
Never allow yourself to think lesser of you.
I love you all, and for the New Year i Wish to all of you the you may find happiness, in whatever form you need it.
Yours Faithfully,
"PerfectingMyEmptiness"

resolution

i want to be thin, and i will do no matter what to achieve it. It doesn't even matter anymore how i am going to do it, i just know that i won't stop until it happens. I want people to say "whoa, last time i saw her she was way fatter, look how beautiful she is". I want to perfect my mask of perfection, so that no one would even think about talking to me.
I want to make a tattoo once i will be thin enough, this will be my reward

I want this, so no questioning myself...i will get on to business. I will be lighter than a snowflake or a leaf
I will not have anything come in my way.
I will not allow any slips.
I will not allow any danger to go even near me.
I will be so thin that no one will notice me anymore, i will just be the perfect girl sitting alone and watching everyone stuff their mouths and laugh inwardly.
I love you all my dearest.
End of Post
Love is written on our arms and bones
"PerfectingMyEmptiness"

my sick twisted mind

yep, i am right, i know i am right. I wanted to fast today, did i?of course not, what a question. I wanted to celebrate i haven't cut in over a month, did i succeed? of course not i cut today.
Why am i like this?can't i follow one plan at a time?i see your beautiful words, and you scale number shrinking and i wonder if i am really THAT stupid. It seems to me that i should give up my hypocrisy, i mean really, i moan and bitch about my ever-existing fat when all i can do all day long if shove food into my mouth, in my throat, my stomach, i feel it making its way....GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD...why can't i be like you guys, just say no, i have to have those effing binges...i can't stop, it is like i am me but not only i am outside my body, not even tasting the food, i feel like i can watch myself.
I AM DISGUSTING
"PerfectingMyEmptiness"

a song

catatonia- bulimic beats, a great song, full of emotion
I am good, my absence was due to the lack of network, i have been good, in lack of better words.
I love you all with all my heart and sometimes my heart breaks for you, sometimes i feel a surge of happiness when i find out that you had a good day.
Today i found out something...an Ana buddy right before my nose. :):)i am soooooooooooooooooo happy
"PerfectingMyEmptiness"

two worlds...

i am thorn between the world i created in my world, my previously explained Lalala Land. I feel like i should just close my eyes and break any connection from this world fueled by anger, resentments, food, agony, SADNESS. I want to live somewhere quiet. Why are we the way we are?why are the appearances so important for us?why do i feel so proud of reaching 140?i wonder if this will be the main and most important question for me all my life. I miss my old self.
Also i wanted to explain myself over the post in which i talked about my father. I don't know what possessed me to write that. I don't even remember how he looks like, how he feels like, how he talks like. I don't know what came over me, but the point is that i felt the need to write that. I am sorry is i confused you by that.
The poetry, some of them are written a long time ago, some of them are more recent, i didn't know how you'd react to them, but i said...fuck it i will do whatever i want.
You know when i talked in a post about the mute theater play at school? i entered, and am the main character, i was feeling very proud of it until momster said that everyone could have entered, i said that out of 25 contestants 5 of us entered. And i am so effing proud of myself i will not break for her pleasure.
A very good song:
Breaking Benjamin- "I will not bow", "Blow me away", and of course the all known "Diary of Jane"

I will not bow:

Fall!

Now The dark begins to rise, save your breath it's far from over
Leave the lost and dead behind, now's your chance to run for cover
I don't want to change the world, I just want to leave it colder
Light the fuse and burn it up, take the path that leads to nowhere
All is lost again, but I'm not giving in

I Will Not Bow, I Will Not Break
I Will shut the world away
I will not fall, I will not fade
I will take your breath away

Fall!

Blow me away:

[Verse 1:]
They fall in line
One at a time
Ready to play
(I can't see them anyway)
No time to lose
We've got to move
Steady your hand
(I am losing site again)

[Bridge:]
Fire your guns
It's time to run
Blow me away
(I will stay, in the mess I made)
After the fall
We'll shake it off
Show me the way

[Chorus:]
Only the strongest will survive
Lead me to heaven, when we die
I am the shadow on the wall
I'll be the one to save us all

[Verse 2:]
There's nothing left
So save your breath
Lying in wait
(Caught inside this tidal wave)
Your cover's blown
No where to go
Holding your fate
(Loaded I will walk alone)

[Bridge:]
Fire your guns
It's time to run
Blow me away
(I will stay, in the mess I made)
After the fall
We'll shake it off
Show me the way

[Chorus:]
Only the strongest will survive
Lead me to heaven, when we die
I am the shadow on the wall
I'll be the one to save us all

Don't want it back
(Don't fight me now)



Watch the end from dying eyes, now the dark is taking over
Show me where forever dies
Take the fall and run to heaven
All is lost again but I'm not giving in

I will not bow, I will not break
I will shut the world away
I will not fall, I will not fade
I will take your breath away

And I'll survive, paranoid I have lost the will to change
And I am not proud, cold blooded, fake
I will shut the world away

"Yells"

I will not bow, I will not break
I will shut the world away
I will not fall, I will not fade
I will take your breath away

And I'll survive, paranoid
I have lost the will to change and I am not proud, cold blooded, fake
I will shut the world away

Fall!

Diary of Jane:

If I had to
I would put myself right beside you
So let me ask
Would you like that?
Would you like that?

And I don't mind
If you say this love is the last time
So now I'll ask
Do you like that?
Do you like that?

No

Something's getting in the way
Something's just about to break
I will try to find my place in the diary of Jane
So tell me how it should be

Try to find out what makes you tick
As I lie down
Sore and sick
Do you like that?
Do you like that?

There's a fine line between love and hate
And I don't mind
Just let me say that I like that
I like that

Something's getting in the way
Something's just about to break
I will try to find my place in the diary of Jane
As I burn another page
As I look the other way
I still try to find my place in the diary of Jane
So tell me how it should be

Desperate, I will crawl
Waiting for so long
No love, there is no love
Die for anyone
What have I become

Something's getting in the way
Something's just about to break
I will try to find my place in the diary of Jane
As I burn another page
As I look the other way
I still try to find my place
In the diary of Jane


All is good, i am only being big emotional me.
I love you all, i know you are many but my heart is as big as my body, and you can all fit:)
You are beautiful inside and out.
End of post.
"PerfectingMyEmptiness"

another one

Night Takes Everything

Calls in the night
Blind the eyes
With their shrieks.
Noise rules, blocks all.

Echoes are your ears.
The echoes ring like bells
Amongst the stars;
The Sound wants you to join the sky.
Follow the sky and it loses you.

Loses you
In a hole of illusion.
No sounds, only sights.
Dark blues and shadowy grays
Fly and swirl past you
And are gone.

Dizziness comes down like a meteor.
No sounds, no sights.
Only feelings.
Pleasing sadness, stabbing joy.
Feeling soon rushes away too.

Everything is sucked away by the night;
Reality is taken as well.
Now the emptiness begs-
Pleas for you to lose it,
Wants you to lose it,
Forces you to lose it.

Finally your scream pierces the emptiness,
Leaving you with nothing,
But a memory of the day.



this poem dates couple of years back, when it was very recent

another poem

At first my heart sank and bled
But now I've picked her up
Because those hands that touched and felt
Can never delve inside.

So who I am is still untouched
By those who were not welcome
Their fingers are drenched in the blood
Of guilt, and dark intentions.

And I will walk away from this,
Stronger and more aware
That there truly exist kind people
Who will be there, and care

And watch me smile!
And see me laugh!
Oh how un-spoiled am I!

And while I live
your soul will steep
In pungent guilt
And restless sleep

post non-deserving of a title

Yeah i can't really put a title on this. Since last post, my mind was a total jumble mumble of thoughts, memories, cries, calories, counting, Ana, Ana, Ana. I think i have finally lost it, i feel dizzy, i feel like i am not really here. I simply feel like all the actions that happen in front of my eyes are from a movie, a sad sappy movie.
What triggered those feelings?well there was a girl that was bullied by her boyfriend, or fuck i don't know what the hell he was for her, the point is she was so small(not in age but in figure) and fragile and at that moment my heart broke for her, i felt my heart literally crying for her. And i began thinking, if i were her, what i would have done? Stupid situation, stupid question, stupid huge me. And i called the man on it, and he tried to make fun of me...guess which thing he began picking? Me being a bitch, a fat one at that...i can't really express how much it hurt and angered me. All i can say is he got a piece of his own medicine. Nothing important to say, just wanted to let you know i live:)
End of post
"PerfectingMyEmptiness"

a very good song

Stairway to Heaven-Led Zeppelin


There's a lady who's sure all that glitters is gold
And she's buying a stairway to heaven
When she gets there she knows, if the stores are all closed
With a word she can get what she came for
Ooh, ooh, and she's buying a stairway to heaven

There's a sign on the wall but she wants to be sure
'Cause you know sometimes words have two meanings
In a tree by the brook, there's a songbird who sings
Sometimes all of our thoughts are misleading
Ooh, it makes me wonder
Ooh, it makes me wonder

There's a feeling I get when I look to the west
And my spirit is crying for leaving
In my thoughts I have seen rings of smoke through the trees
And the voices of those who stand looking
and it makes me wonder
really makes me wonder

And it's whispered that soon if we all call the tune
Then the piper will lead us to reason
And a new day will dawn for those who stand long
And the forest will echo with laughter

GUITAR SOLO

If there's a bustle in your hedgerow, don't be alarmed now,
It's just a spring clean from the May Queen
Yes, there are two paths you can go by, but in the long run
There's still time to change the road you're on
Ooh, it makes me wonder
Ooh, Ooh, it makes me wonder

Your head is humming and it won't go, in case you don't know
The piper's calling you to join him
Dear lady, can't you hear the wind blow, and did you know
Your stairway lies on the whispering wind

GUITAR SOLO

And as we wind on down the road
Our shadows taller than our soul
There walks a lady we all know
Who shines white light and wants to show
How everything still turns to gold
And if you listen very hard
The tune will come to you at last
When all is one and one is all, yeah
To be a rock and not to roll.

And she's buying the stairway to heaven

poetry time

A fragment of relief followed by a tear
When I feel my scars burn and sear
I suddenly recall where I left my knife
To stand up and get it I feel enticed
For it usually makes the evil go away
But I'm shackled by fear and have to stay

Another day of unconscionable clarity
My dread rages to the edge of my sanity
Suddenly it seems to me that small boats
With people in it, in my veins floats
I even feel it tickle, it's all so real
I let out a scream to let you know what I feel

One day a day of evanescent grace
Drinking coffee with a smiling facade
Left for a second to visit the bathroom
To come back and feel the paranoia bloom
I panicked and froze in a deadlock
Did someone put poison in my cup?

I take delight in resting alone
Pain stigmatized in my soul
Innocent thoughts thrown far away
Out of reach and I'm here to stay
But as long as I'm hiding inside my shell
I descend the path of my own hell

What anathematized me from the light
Captured me in an endless fight
What blurred my border to pure fantasy
And slaughtered everything I called me
What erased my last fascination

wantingand getting is completely different

i want my real dad...i am sick and tired of hearing stories told by little girls about shit like, my dad is my hero. I want him no matter what...but i cannot. He is dead, i want him to come like in a very cliche and stupid movie to come and tell me it is going to be alright. I want THAT. And the worst?most of the bitches in the world don't even realize it. I want my daddy with me. To tell me he would catch me no matter from what i would fall. Why can't i have my daddy?
I am sick of this, i want to go where he is...I am through with this...THIS...life...my life...i miss smiling, i miss laughing so hard my tummy hurts...i miss how i loved dressing in pink, and not giving a fuck in the world.
I am finished
"PerfectingMyEmptiness"

well, that was unexpected

so, today at school, there is this girl that is really witty and just great, lets call her
...Al...
and she took off her coat, and a saw for a moment under the hem of her shirt angry red scars...i was just...WTF
i didn't know what to say, so i convinced her to skip a class and to talk to me.
I felt so good after talking to her, you know?
like i have made her feel better about herself, and for that i thank you God or Goddess, whatever there is upstairs.
I thank you for giving me the chance of making someone feel better.
Right now, i am feeling so peaceful, like nothing could make me feel wrong.
I am so used to considering myself a worthless human, but today...
i felt i had a purpose, and that maybe, hopefully she will give another try to life, and when she has the feeling that we oh so well know,
the feeling"I want to crawl under a stone and die" she will cal me,
so that i could make her feel better:)
I am just happy:), right now i think it is the first time in months that i feel ok:)
Love you all:*
"PerfectingMyEmptiness"

hypocrite....

i am always asked when i say i hate people, why. Today was the perfect example for it, i mean here is what happened, momster found some pills in my school bag, there weren't laxies, diet pills or anything remotely similar, there were pills for headaches. She started an entire speech about why i do drugs...which i find extremely hilarious given the fact that in the ninth grade i did drugs for almost the whole year, and she never noticed anything, now that i wouldn't touch anything even close to drugs...buff...she notices something rotten in my behavior...WTF?and the main thing that baffled me from her speech was"the next you will carry around will be condoms" i was still, simply the world turned to ice, an immobile vile bone chilling ice...then i erupted, and i did it thoroughly, without telling any of my secrets but just speaking in such manner, that when i finished she was O|O...it was funny, tragic and sad at the same time.
Why couldn't she take this motherly role when i really needed it?Why now?Couldn't she let me have the calm i have worked so hard to restore this week?Why did she had to blow it?
Last week i was erratic, without any reason for living...i cut for the first time in MONTHS, three to be exact, why did it have to happen? Because i am an extremely weak person. I hate it
Hypocrisy is such a nasty thing...and momster is even nastier...i mean i get raped, become addicted to drugs, best friend dies, and two years after it all happens...you begin to suspect something weird...HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?
I found something i haven't thought about till now...It isn't that i don't believe in God, i don't believe in all the nonsense pulled by humans on His account.
I feel angry with human mind, me, momster, human beings right now...
End of post
"PerfectingMyEmptiness"

when will i stop???

"She had to try harder but she was beginning to feel that she didn't have the energy. The will was there but her fears for failure were more so."
this is a quote from an older story of mine. I found it extremely fitting for how i feel...wasted, tired, i want to cry, i want to cut(i wont, i made 2 months yesterday without cutting)
The day started pretty well, woke up at 6 thirty, dressed, bought the usual bottle of pepsi, had two cigarettes, then as the day went on, i felt more and more tired, like i had a two tones burden in my mind, it was almost too hard to think.
I have news, my school is making a theater play for mute people. It is about pantomime, basically the story is the following:
boy meets girl, girl dies, one night boy dreams of all the wonderful moments shared with her, but in his dreams there are also 3 bad women, that try to stop them from loving each other. it is brilliant, they will let us know the cast Friday, wish me luck.
why do we always chase after something?we always chase after something, after a weight, money, career, good mark, appreciation from the others...how can we call ourselves evolved beings if we cannot live without another being near us?Why did i felt like choking today in class?i felt really like someone was choking me?i have lots of questions and no answer
Until next time, farewell my darlings(i feel like a combination between Dracula and Shakespeare, don't ask)
A very disturbing post, that was
Love ya
"PerfectingMyEmptiness"

relativity

well...i hate to break it to you, my lovely dovey, but we are surrounded by relative things...
even darkness is relative, i mean look at this from my point of view,
i was never afraid of the true form of darkness, meaning physically,
the darkness i am truly afraid of is the mental one,
because if i am in darkness in my head, it means i was no worth rescuing, it means i am not worthy for the light to take me in its warmness.
I read lots of your posts that had to do with happiness...
and read some of the comments too, one of it said that"happiness are moments of pure bliss" that had me thinking...
when was my last moment of pure bliss happened...
and i was trying really hard...and nothing but silence in my head...
am i that lifeless and sad?lonely?Goooood i am such a whimp...damn it...
i hate it...I truly hate myself for not feeling like i have enough, for always wanting more...why can't i be satisfied with what i have?Why do i seem to keep wanting more?
Sometimes i am so hungry for someone to love, but the hunger is so different than the physical one, it is aching.
I was never enough, for anyone.
But come to think, neither was anyone enough for me, maybe the is why i had no one before, i had my standards set too high.
Before everything, the rape, ed, si,
i was kind of a snob, stuck-up bitch...
you have to know the kind, dressed in gliitter,
with purse on a hand, going shopping, well you get the drift, i tend to laugh a lot remembering:))
And well, i think i turned into a better person,
more insightful,
deeper,
and this is a good thing.
I have tought a lot on the subject wether i had a chance to go back in the past, would i make the same things again...
i don't know, i would like to think that i would,
b/c everything turned me into who i am today...
Boring post, i know, i sometimes am so boring and bored.
Love you
End of post
"PerfectingMyEmptiness"

feelings...

i am feeling...bad?worse than i ever felt?it doesn't cover the sum of feelings i have got in this very moment...do you know what made it worse?the fact that i have absolutely no reason to be so...i had started school in over a week, it is going great...i am 143...it is also good...i haven't eaten much today...i must be great...but i am not...also i am so sorry for my long absence...i will be a good girl from now on...
starve
blog
write
cry once in awhile
cut once in awhile
i feel as if i am dreaming...floating...being here, but not really here...i am feeling as if i am high(haven't done anything, and never will again). I outside i just heard a thunder(i hate them, not really hate them, more afraid of them)
i am feeling vulnerable...to everyone, as if if i see a person walking on the street, looking at me even if it is just a glance...i am still thinking that she/he read all my secrets, and internally laughs his/her ass of at me...very paranoid of me...i know
I am feeling very alone?do any of you know the feeling you get when, even in a 100 people crowd, you feel like you are in the desert?the problem is that even if A knows most of my secrets, she can't comprehend the exact extent of my traumas, for example, i friend of mine(boy)wanted to surprise me Friday by hugging me from behind at the beginning of the classes...i felt as if my interior was bombarded, panic raising like steam through every pore i have in this despicable fat body...so, the point is that even if i know he won't hurt me anymore, the idea still stands...the panic, the hurt, the feelings of worthlessness, i don't think it will ever go away...*another thunder*
everyone told me that i am thinner...i feel more bloated...i am beginning to think that the more i lose, the fatter i will be...i know it is just an impression.
End of post
Nighty night
"PerfectingMyEmptiness"

last holiday trip...

in less than a week i will start school...part of me wants the school to start, part of me doesn't...the reasons? well i won't be in the same house with food anymore, the contra is that i will have more people watching me.
I have reached my lowest...which is 145...i am happy for my achievement...but also afraid i might break it...i felt so much like a ghost those days...being here...but not really being here...why is it so hard to distinguish the dream from reality?why is it so hard to just realize that my actions have consequences? i am deaf, blind, mute...i am fucked up...beside A and you i don't really have any friends...i just wanna be somewhere alone...to hear my thoughts...to hear the world, but they wouldn't see, hear, feel me...does it sound creepy?yes it does...i am tired, not emotionally this time...i feel as if my body is pulling me down to be lazy and fat.
I love you all
Also the song for this post...i found it some days ago is
Stacie Orrico-Dear Friend

Holiday Update

Tuesday, 24 august

Hei...I just got the awesomest gift...a silver bracelet with shells, from A it is wonderful...I freaking love it. Momster bought me things from the road, which was ok, but i would rather like it more if she bought me something she looked for. Now we are at a house in the heart of the mountains, it is great. I got in too many fights with momster to even remember them. I want to stay here as much as I can, without thinking twice, b/c every second is unique and it has to be liveed at its maximum. Crape diem. At the eating thing...I ate too fucking much,I couldn't puke and still cannot b/c of the cold i caught, and my throat hurts like hell even if i do a simple action like speaking.
I wanna sleep as much as i can:)so nighty night
Love you all

Holiday Update

Monday, 23 august

Hi, we are currently heading towards cluj napoca, a beautiful city. I had 2 slices of meat...awful...and 2 cups of tea...I really don't wanna eat meat...why am I forced to eat meat?? Scratch that...why am I forced to eat anything...
That, I wrote this afternoon. Now, it is night...tomorrow is my birthday...I can't say I wait for it...NOOOO...I stopped waiting for something awesome to happen on my birthday...in my family the most important for momster...for her...it is all about her...from the start to the end...it never was about something else...I used to think that she at least adopted me because she loved me, but I came to the conclusion that she needed something to control...she made the mistake of being a control freak and of taking me for granted...I used to feel guilty if I said something bad to her...but now?no freakin' way. I started to relish in her pain...I was sick of her almost laughing in my face everytime I sufered
This is monday night's postt
Love y'all.

Holiday Update

Sunday, 22 august

Do you believe of love at first sight? I don't...what is the point in loving someone without knowing his qualities and flaws , without being there for him/her for a long time. I personally don't see the point in loving someone if you don't know that one. I heard lots of people saying how "oh, it was love at first sight and oh, how he/she loved a certain someone the moment he/she appeared" HOW MUCH BULLSHIT...most of the relationships end in a way or another so what is the point in lying? Just be honest with you...say she sad nice features/boobs/body/eyes, but don't bullshiT me with love at first sight...I am terribly bored, I am att the mountains, it is lots of fun, but now I am supposed to go to bed, and hell is I feel like sleeping... I am with A and momster, father...it is fun most of the time but when I see girls at restaurants stuffing their mouths with food so rich in calories, and they are so skinny...all my good feelings fly away like they were never there...I got under 150 but I don't think I will last very much...I think I am going vegetarian...after this night of stuffing my mouth with meat I will try not to put any piece of meat in my mouth.
This is sunday night, I will write every night and I will just do copy/paste when I get home.
Nighty night...love y'all

best song ever

Edith Backlund - Skinny
it is a hypnotising melody...the best....playing it on repeat all the day...

feeling gooooooooooooood................................

i went to the beach, and there i saw a lot of skinny beautiful girls...
the first few days i was just balling my eyes out,
but then i started to think that i should in fact be sure to be like them not.
So i lost 4 pounds in a week...
i want more, and i am kind of sure i will get there,
if not in the near future, in the long run for sure i will get there.
So on the Ana side i am good,
on the SI side...not so good.
I feel so fucking lonely, like no one is around me...
It is weird if you would have told me a few months ago that i am lonely...
i would have said...yeah, so?i am used to it,
but the point is that i have mt you, P, A,
and i was so damn used to being not alone anymore...
and then BUFF...it went downhill, i haven't posted in a while,
i wonder why you even read my blog.
A has already tons and tons of other problems in which i can't really help her and it would be very selfish of me to ask for her help...
I haven't talked to P in awhile.
And my classmates...almost haven't seen anyone of them in the whole holiday.
If i sum up the fact that the summer holiday is almost ending,
and i haven't really accomplished not one goal from what i have set for myself, it all equals in one big FAT mess...
God i wish i would stop feeling so emotional...
there are people that don't have anything to eat...and they are fighting...
maybe my feeling are so bad because i couldn't cut in awhile
(yea i said couldn't not wouldn't),
i couldn't find any sharp things at the sea side...
how stupid is that?i came home and the first thing after taking a good old cold shower and shaving my legs was cutting...
and it felt soooo fucking good...i hadn't wanted to stop...
and then the bad side came again and told me that i can't even finish something like offing myself...
i took 6 or 7 aspirins and slept cold through the night...
in the morning my bitch of a mother started with the shit, that i can't do anything good...etc.etc.and i was reminded of the shit i was thinking last night.......
God i really need to be hospitalized and not in a Ana recovering institution,
but in a mental one...
i am saying it for good...i start to hear voices that tell me what a fat fuck i am, i am being told i did things i don't remember doing,
of things i don't remember saying...
i think i have developed Multiple personality disorder...
one more illness to add...i really hope your lives are better than mine, because i am a really fuck up at the moment...
End of post
Love you all
xoxo
"PerfectingMyEmptiness"

apologies

...I am sorry for my moment of weakness...you don't really know how i felt...i am so sorry...i won't give up my life for nothing. Altough the blog...i don't know about that...i mean i barely even post anymore, so what is the point?Ok i sound like such an whimp...which i am not...I am sorry.
I love you so much...all of you...i hope you are doing great...also.....................
Vizzy?How are you, i haven't heard of you in awhile and i am starting to freak...please contact me ASAP

burden

i wanted to make a person happy...i failed miserably...i feel like a gray big spot that can't move...i feel as if i weight a tone emotionally... don't ask who that person is..it doesn't matter...all that matters is that i am a curse that passes through peoples life and crushes their hope, their dreams of happiness...i am really thinking about ending this blog...it won't do anyone any good...it will just allow me to weep to you, and it is not fair to none of you...i am really thinking about killing myself...it won't matter to anyone...i was just passing through your lives...but i really want to ask for a favor...be beautifully thin and lovely to all of you...be there to support each other...those months that i have been blogging have been the best...thank you...you have made my life so much happier just by me knowing you read my most intimate thoughts...that you are the only ones that really understood me...
Be there for all those who need you...Don't give up hoping for the best...
I LOVE YOU TO THE BONES
end of post and life...
"PerfectingMyEmptiness"

fears being revealed here:)

This post is from Friday:


God, it is 1 a.m. and i don't seem to be able to sleep in the near future.
I am sitting on the bed,
in a room in which I've had many nightmares,
in which every shadow seemed to frighten me,
every noise startled me.
I am at my grandmothers, with A, she is sleeping besides me, and my mom, who sleeps in the other room.


Everything is fabulous,
the weather chilly but nice, everything is fine...
than why i am so...panicked??
I used to come here for every summer until 3 years ago,
when momster got into a fight with grandmomster.


We came now because she has cancer, and momster is kinda of concerned for her.
I used to think that sleeping in this room alone was the worst thing possible.


I have grown up in 3 years more than others in 10.
Now i would give everything to be able to exchange the fright of dark for my past. There still are moments in which i am scared of the dark,
but for other reasons.
I would love to hear about your fears,
yous mental(like afraid of being alone)
or your physical(like fear of bugs?),
i would like to hear about
your biggest nightmare,
best dream.



Share something with me:)

End of post

Love is in our scars, bones.


"PerfectingMyEmptiness"
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

past deeds...

This post is from last Wednesday, i couldn't enter on blogger to post it:


Being Enough:
Is being enough enough for anyone?
Let's say you have a goal in life, once you reach the goal, where you go from that point?
Won't you want to chase another goal?
to make it accomplish?
Is life just a chasing after opportunities, goals?
My goal weight is 130, my weight on the other hand is 150. I know i have work to do but i have to be part of my peers to just chase goals...
i know that once (Goddess help me to get there)i get there i would want more and more, meaning less and less...
i am really scared of it...
My main problem is addiction:
A year ago i escaped from mt biggest soon to become nightmare besides the rape...
...drugs...
i am sorry for not telling you guys about it,
but it felt too much of a failure until now...
what has changed?my trust i really trust you girls&guys, with all my secrets.
A year after the rape i smoked for the first time weed,
i felt freed from all
the guilt,
the disgust,
the sadness.
I was truly amazed, i thought i have discovered the way of forgetting everything...
I couldn't have been more right, i did forget everything when i was high, but something i haven't anticipated happened...
i forgot myself too, who i am, my standards...
i forgot myself in the process of forgetting the past...
it was when i started to realize i had a problem, i made it to the shore, escaped the addiction...
it was then i realized that everything that happened has turned me into who i am today...
perhaps if i had a perfect life,
i would have turned into a shallow, bimbo, type which i despise, or maybe a nerd(more than i really am) or a...
i don't know who i could have been,
hell i don't even know who i truly am right now,
but i am not necessary sorry of anything that has happened.
It made me who i am today, and because of that i thank Him, my real dad, and everyone that hurt me, loved me, despised me, bullied me...Thank you...
End of post
Love is in our scars, bones, imperfections.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
"PerfectingMyEmptiness"

never did something in my life?

so my mom keeps yelling in my face that i can't do anything in my life, that i can't be good enough...and then she expects me to think highly of myself?she is upset without reasons, i got my grades today and she has started to yell that i have raised you to be proud of you, but i am ashamed...what makes her have the right to say that?she doesn't even know me, she doesn't know anything about me...absolutely nothing...why does she think that i am worthless?she didn't try to see how much i really worth...she doesn't want to realize that maybe i am capable of doing something with my life...
when did she cleaned the house last time?when was she really worried about the state of the house?when did she tried to teach me something?to just love me?
when i needed her the most she wasn't there,
when i was raped she chose to leave me alone,
when my best friend died...she chose to not see what i was going through...i lost then my last straw of sanity left in my mind...with his death...my life was empty...she never saw me for who i am but for who she wanted me to be and for who i wasn't...the truth is that i never reached her expectations...i could never even get a "good enough" out of her...she was always"it could have been better, but it wasn't so you don't deserve anything from me"...she never saw that i am better just by realizing that i am imperfect...i have flaws...a lot of them actually...
she thinks she can do everything, she has them all...she is a gift given to us by the mighty God...because of her i kept drowning in my own boiling water...i kept drowning in the bully i received at school, she never chose to see everything i went through...she is disappointed?no more than i am of her...
why did she adopted me?
was i another of her ambitions?
was i there just a piece of furniture with which she wanted to see if she can design it the way she wanted?and when she saw that the piece of furniture actually has her own beliefs that were different from what she thought that was good?
was i just that?
Why does she keeps tormenting me with the past?that if i wasn't in this family, she wouldn't fight with dad?
she doesn't know that i was here in that family to give an ally to dad?
so he could have the power to speak up?
she will have her beliefs,
her perfection,
but in real life,
she will be alone, with no one there to support her,
she will have to live with herself alone, without anyone there for her...
I will have
my imperfection,
my father,
my friends,
A,
Ana,
and i will have the world, meaning all of you, that are from everywhere in the world...America, Anglia, Australia etc.
"We will always have Paris" the famous quote says...well in our case we will always have blogger ville...and it suffices me enough...
I am very frustrated right now...i am sorry for me moaning to all of you...
you are the ones that give me strength...
Be proud of you imperfections..it is what gives us strength to hang on through cutting, starving, crying, hating...realizing that we do have flaws and that we can repair them...
Love is in our scars, bones, imperfections
End of post
"PerfectingMyEmptiness"

rambling

ok, so the title says it all:))
it is just that, i had another fight with momster, in which she told me that i am unworthy of anyone's love, and sooner or later A will realize that i am unworthy of
her... don't bother to tell me that it is not true, i know it is not...
It is just , what makes someone worthy or someone unworthy?The looks?the financial status?the manners?the past?
what really makes a person ok? what makes her/him happy? does someone know what makes us happy? i don't think i ever made someone happy, i don't believe in happiness, i believe it is just hyperbole, something abstract...do you really think that once we get to our goal weight, we will be happy? i don't really think so, we will always think that happiness is just
ONE step away,
one pound,
one tear,
one scar,
one starved day,
one sleepless night,
one lost embrace,
one lost lover,
one nice comment about how we look...
And when our live ends, we will look back and wonder how much we have lost because of our way of thinking, coping about and with life...
no matter how fat i/we are, we have to see that because we know that we are fat,
we are a step further from our peers that stuff their mouths with junk/full of calories food...we are wiser just by realizing that being thin can't be achieved without self-control, self hatred...not too much, just a little dose...
another thing i wanted to say is the question of pessimistic/optimistic
some would say that optimist is way better than pessimist...
i disagree completely...
i think that if you are a pessimist, when something bad happens, you will take it easy because you will have been expecting it, and when something good happens, you will be happy for it,
on the other side, the optimists, when they receive good news, they aren't too thrilled, because they have been expecting it, but when they receive bad news, they are down depressed...so i rather be pessimist.
On the past issue, things have been good, i mean i think i can think of him as not such a threat anymore, but it still hurts to think about it...
it will be good...
the full time problem...the weight...it hurts to say it...i am past 150 pounds...i am balling my eyes out...i need a meal plan, a meal plan that i can stick with it no matter what...it will be very hard for me to find one...but i will...i am still confused but i am in a better mood...
I want to hear more of you....tell me how you all have been going, tell me your weights that are obviously lower than mine is at the moment, make me feel bad about it:)):))
no really now, tell me your problems, i would be more than thrilled to help you.
Lots of love and
love is in our scars and bones
End of post
"PerfectingMyEmptiness"

.................................................................

A's blog is "ThePastGivesUsTheStrenghtWeSometimesNeed"
if you could help her a little it would be great
I will post tonight more detailed about what has happened in this weekend, i am so fucking happy:):):):)

NEWS

well, i talked to him...and i am feeling utterly confused.
He has kind of made peace with God?
Shit i can't hate a man that doesn't hate others...
i feel like there is no point in hating him,
but when i think of all the marks that i have from washing too roughly in the shower, just hoping i might get the dirt from me...
i feel like there is a time for me to be at peace with my past...
but it is very hard, just being en routine in this past years...hating him, myself, cutting, starving...and now...BUM there isn't hate...just sorrow.
ok so the story is the following, my cousin whom i mentioned in the past post,
gave me his number and said just call him and then tell me what you think...
and the thing is that he is so peaceful?serene?
shit i said earlier and will say it again...
I CAN'T HATE SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T HATE ANYONE...
i feel like screaming in pain, agony or relief?
I am so confused as to what the hell i will be doing from now on...
i was talking with vizzy, that i am thinking about coming with terms with everything that has happened to me so far, with my past, and i was saying that it is incredibly hard to do so, i am too used to try to forget, not remember...
A has started her blog...
i am happy for her, because i know how i felt when i first came in blogger ville...suicidal, without any hope of better,
but i soon found that i can find similar people to me, who can understand me...
thank you all, and i hope that maybe(pretty pretty please;;)) you can read her blog, she needs all the power she can get:)
I will keep you updated with the progress i am making in trying to come to terms with the past.
love is in our scars and bones
"PerfectingMyEmptiness"
xoxoxoxoxoxoxo
End of post
xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

He was set free...HELP

Yesterday i heard that the monster that raped me was set free.
I couldn't press charges back then when it happened, because i was so traumatized that i couldn't remember almost anything. A cousin of mine set up a robbery, in which the freaking monster was involved, being innocent. And he got 4 years of prison. he got out after three for behaving. He "promised" revenge...
i feel like i am suffocating. I am so sorry, A but i cut...i am sorry i couldn't do anything to be stronger. I just want to kill him with my own hands. He doesn't deserve freedom, he deserves torture. He doesn't deserve his family, he deserves being left alone...feeling like i did. To be left alone in my worse moment...feeling like i did...i want hi to feel the pain i felt all those years: the fear, the angst, the anger, the anguish.
I am afraid for my life right now...he promised revenge....
Three years of suffering...all in vain, he was set free...when i heard the news i fainted. I am so afraid he will come again and the nightmare won't ever stop...
I cut a lot...couldn't stop myself from cutting deeper.
A, i am so sorry i couldn't keep the promise i made.
I can't stop the memories, they come back and hit me with full force...me screaming in pain, him saying" i know you like it, little piece of shit"...me trying to escape, but then becoming inert...i wish to die, i am really suicidal...
If i wouldn't have texted vizzy last night...i think i would have been dead by now...Thank you very much for stopping me from doing something stupid but that felt necessary.
I have this burning feeling in the pit of my stomach that i get whenever someone is watching me...i am paranoid. I feel like a robot, i did the chores in the house, writing on the blog...i can't seem to find any emotions..i am void of beautiful feelings...there is just self-hatred, hatred in general, disgust, anger...i am disgusted by the police forces in our stupid country...how could he be free?
Can you honestly say that God exists?I prayed 6 days ago, for A, P, and me...and what did i got? i disappointed A, I am no longer sweethearts with P, and as for myself...the man of my nightmares was set free...and here i am being trapped in the nightmares, like in a little cage.Can any of you honestly say that He exists and that He loves me? I don't really think so...
I just want to fall asleep and never wake up...I showered until now (10 a.m.) 5 times to clean myself from dirt, the marks...i still feel the marks...still fresh.....
How can i survive?
I need to know everything will be ok...can anyone be sure that he won't come for me?Can anyone say that i will be safe? I am lost....
HELP
"PerfectingMyEmptiness"

shit goes more downhill..

Goddess...i fasted yesterday...made it 40 hours without food, but i have been made to eat...i hate those filthy excuses...i am listening superchick-beauty from pain....wonderful song.
Tomorrow i will go with A and some family friends to the mountain. just a little trip to the mountain, and i am sick and tired of eating...i don't want to eat, but i will be made to eat. I think about asking A for help to stop me from eating...too risky right?
I feel like i am just a big big problem in everyone's life...i just want to dissapear from the face of the Earth.
I can't even last a 2 days fast...when did a become such a burden?when did my life become so gray?i just want to be loved...not romantically just loved...i will never let my walls crumple just for a boy...never...forgot to tell you about what happened to P...he dumped me.....he dumped me....i still can't realize...
I just...can't find any more reason to live....i am just in this big big big(like me) hole in which i can't climb my way up.
I don't know how can others make the day without crying.
I am proud of me, haven't touched my skin with the blade...so fucking proud...but i don't know how much i can last without cutting...sometimes i daydream about cutting...how fucked up is that?
really...i just want to be in the shadows...to lurke in the shadows...unseen, unheard, untouched...just a witness to the masks of glass that people wear...to see them fall and to see them force themselves to continue wearing them...for what? i don't know...maybe to make them feel better?less vulnerable?maybe...
i just feel the need for non-stop rambling...just i don't find the subject...how can you not find a rambling subject??it is rambling for God's sake...........
i want to hear more from what have happened to you, my lovelies.
Good luck to Kat's sister Kate for the pole dancing...wish you the best.
Love you all
excuse my unnecessary and uncalled for rambling:)
"Love is in my scars and bones"
"PerfectingMyEmptiness"
xoxoxoxoxoxoxo
End of post

Oh dear, more drama on the horizon...

My mother officially ruins everything she touches. I just got back from the seaside today, a couple of hours before going to school. I hadn't brought any books to the seaside, and i wanted to do some homework, but does she let me?Of course not, she starts yelling that i hadn't eaten anything all day, that I didn't washed the dishes, that, that, that etc. I am used tot he slapping, yelling, and of course i didn't have it in me to not fight back. So i went to school fifteen minutes earlier than normal, thinking that maybe i could see P, my boyfriend...WRONG...i got to the high school, entered the high school, when i tried to go out...BAM...there was momster, thinking herself as a bodyguard. Asked as to what the fucking hell was she doing there, she just answered that she was checking me...what the fuck?I literally saw red in front of my eyes.
Because the fact that I couldn't meet with P, we had a humongous fight...n which i couldn't really say anything because he was right, and i was the guilty one...I mean i can't go out on weekends, i can't meet him during the week, i can't meet him period...it is like she wants to put me in a fucking cage and lock the fucking gate.
Today i had one boiled egg, tomato cucumber and onion salad, 4 biscuits, 2 sausages because of the fight and i am totally fucked up and planning to binge on the chocolate...help
The self hatred is dangerously high...
I am thinking about breaking up with P, he doesn't deserve anything from the things i am doing to him...Only when i think about his constant fear at the thought of me cutting too deep, or me throwing my guts out...I seriously don't understand why he picked me, he is soo cute and lovely, and plays the piano, and he s a professional dancer, and he picked me...it doesn't make sense...i am just ruining his fucking life.
He deserves a normal, happy, healthy girl, whom he can love without fear, whom he can meet without interdiction...
Why am i like that? Some of you say that there is a God...Where is He now?I don't get any sign from Him. Why is that?
I am sinking so low right now.
I am seriously and dangerously thinking about suicide...why hadn't i died that night?
Why did God allowed such a broken soul to wander on the face of the earth?Why can't I just kill myself?Because there are so many cowards and i am no exception...
one more day and I will get over everything, because i promised to A that i will not cut myself. I made a promise and I will fucking keep it, no matter what.
She is right now, my number one priority.
No more P, no more angst and drama from momster, just her/Ana/Mia...and of course all of you, my lovelies.
Love you all.
Love is in our scars and bones
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
"PerfectingMyEmptiness"
xoxoxoxoxoxooxxoxox
End of post.

long time no talk, huh?
I am so very sorry...this time away was kind of hard...
Confessions:
I kind of lost my way...i feel that the motivation is no longer as strong as it used to be...and i am scared of this thought...
I feel that Ana is no longer on my side, but somewhere far far away.
You remember that i once told you about a friend of mine, whose father died??
Well, one day i was at her house,
and i made the horrible, unforgivable mistake to take a read at my blog...
and it was saved in the history, and she looked at the history and found out everything about my life...never before had i felt so vulnerable...
i felt as if my whole being was turned upside down...
i still haven't explained everything to her,
nor do i have any intentions of doing so...
Why? Because it would be too painful...now she,
going through such things, she is thinking that cutting is a good way of coping...
I felt like dying on the spot...thinking that maybe this is the way...
i felt as if my whole life i just kept disappointing the people i cared about...
i, ladies am a biiiiiiig, faaaat disappointment.
I met a boy....
The first boy that makes my nightmares stop.
The first boy that understands me.
He doesn't know everything about me...
Ana still being a secret to him,
but judging by the little support She has given me...
i don't think it is that much of a secret.
I don't get the creeps when he touches me,
i feel safe, protected and WHOLE.
I really think i love him...
i just hope he doesn't run away when he will find out everything...
i am so fucking scared of that...on his touch stands my whole existence.
lately i had just so many battles...
trying to keep my friend A away from the curse that Self-injury means...
i am afraid that if i don't keep my head out of the water,
there won't be just me who is drowning, but her too...
i feel like a fail for not being able to keep her out of this mess...out of my mess.
Mom is being more and more upsetting to say at least...
she is trying so hard to make herself liked that i ALMOST pity her...
if it wasn't for her filthy character...i am a hypocrite...
i want to make myself look better in front of others,
but my mask of glass isn't so far away from the real me(not that i really know what the real me is),
she wants to make me look bad in front of everyone else,
maybe because she feel underestimated...well my dear momster...
that happens when you are an undercover bitch.
At first i thought that that if A knows, she will judge me,
but she accepted me, and for my extreme surprise, she loves me even more...
i don't exactly understand her, but i love her with all my heart and i wish only the best for her, because she deserves only the best.
Ladies and gentlemen, i am very sorry for losing my path and not posting,
i admit that i didn't post in awhile because i kept reading all of your blogs,
and seeing all the wonderful progress you have all made...
I am so happy for Kat that she has found her voice again amongst us, and we will be always there for her.
A am kind of worried for vizzy, "WordsFromASufferer",
haven't heard of her in awhile.
Goddess, it felt so good getting everything that has happened out of my mind.
Sorry for the mixed thoughts, for the failures, for everything that you think it was bad.
I am going to the seaside for the next two days but i might be able to check my blog, but not actually posting.
Thank you for hearing me out, love you my lovelies.
End of post.
Love is in our scars and bones
xoxoxoxoxoxox
"PerfectingMyEmptiness"

Presents...

Post from Sunday:)
So, today was GOOD.
Yesterday when I cam home,
cooked the menu for the anniversary and surprisingly momster helped me a lot,
and we laughed and talked…weird…
After cooking I cleaned the whole house and regular stuff.
Today everything was perfect, on schedule.
The guests arrived at the right time,
in the right order…I am a little OCD:D .
Last night momster saw me puking, she took the conclusion that I was sick and today I only had to put my hand on my fatty stomach when momster or someone would ask why I am not eating and she would say that is alright, I don’t have to eat…
I got heaps of present, the best ones are:
a necklace from no one else than my momster, with a C with diamonds engraved,
and a ring made of silver(I hate gold, plastic and anything else but silver) with a tiny wonderful stone engraved…simply fabulous
It really was a great day, plus I haven’t eaten almost nothing ;))
I feel very giddy, plus I drank like a whole bottle of strawberry champagne ;))
End of post, my lovelies;)):*
“PerfectingMyEmptiness”

This post is from Saturday, but I haven’t had time to post it, I just wrote it on a piece of paper
So the guy still pretends that he is OK but he is not and I can see it…
Why do people feel the need to pretend?
Man especially. They have the ego bigger than the whole room.
They are the tough sex, they have to be protective.
Why do they feel the need to protect us? us: the weak and beautiful sex?
Weak my ass…I am a block of meat, fat and very little muscle…why would I need protection? Judging by the stupid things I have done, the only person I need protection from is me.
They say that chivalry is dead…I for one am happy that it is so.
Of course that we feel good when the guy opens the door for us,
when he comes with red roses to the date (I hate red roses, I don’t know why),
but when the start with shit like:
they don’t cry because it makes them weak,
they can’t feel pain, they aren’t hurt when a girl dumps their sorry ass,
they don’t fall in love at first sight,
they don’t want to make us feel bad, even if they are hurt and we made mistakes.
I am standing fro half and hour in the social center of my city and I am amazed at how stupid people can be.
There is this pub/cafe that opens at 4 p.m. and if someone passes me I know for sure they are going to that pub/cafe so I tell them that it isn’t open until 4,
but do they believe me? NOOOOO, of course not, they have to check for themselves…
be my guests…and they have to walk like 15 minutes from where I stand to the pub…
and after half an hour, they return with sad puppy faces: ))=))stupid people…
I am laughing my sorry fat ass off.
I am afraid to step on the scale…last time I checked…
gaaahhhh…and so far I had a diet coke,
and apple and a cup of diet milk mixed with banana…
I hope that this time it says better.
I love the nature…I don’t know how I would have made it without it…
Just staying in a forest and “hearing” the silence makes me feel so calm.
Just looking at the spotless blue sky makes me feel so pure…so untouched.
Just feeling the wind blow in my face makes me feel so strong, because no matter its force it won’t deter me from my goals.
Just hearing the nature symphony relaxes me and it gives me inspiration (not thinspiration;))) I feel refreshed by the symphony because the notes of the song are always different. I never found the same song twice in nature.
There is so much to learn from the nature…
you just have to pay attention to everything surrounding you.
I feel so good today…tomorrow is my anniversary.
(Another group passed me by and didn’t listen to me:)))
I am smoking my favorite kind of cigarettes and analyzing everything around me.
Yep I am feeling damn good today.
I am thinking about going to a theater nearby.
You ask what is onstage? I have no idea but I am going to the theater:))
Thanks to “WordsFromASufferer” I am thinking about my whole” aversion” to God.
She says that having a belief helped her to go through life better.
Well I don’t feel the same.
There were so many occasions when I felt my walls crumpling down and asked for divine help and I got in change more shit…
I respect others belief but I also respect my own life, belief and experience.
I understand that believing in something helps but I just don’t think that God is the right help for me.
So end of post…I hope you have understood something from my thoughts, if not…I felt better sharing nonsense from my nonsense world and I don’t pretend to understand all of it that is…I am already struggling in analyzing what I know so far.
P.S. For the guys that have read this…I didn’t mean to offend you, if you think different…please enlighten me.
End of post
“PerfectingMyEmptiness”

carnivorous plant....

This post is from Friday, but i haven't had the time to post it
I hate it…So…
I met a guy and decided to act all coupley-coupley with him…
and I couldn’t even kiss him without getting flashes of what happened in the past.
Sometimes I just wish to disappear …
Not only I am fucked up, but I fucked (metaphorically speaking) him too.
I mean WHY…What past life sins do I have? I can’t even be with a guy without remembering?
I am so insecure about everything concerning myself right now.
Plus I have been reading stuff lately about Buddhism and past lives and I am bound to think I was a carnivore plant (Dionaea Muscipula).
Couldn’t I have just a normal life, a normal boyfriend, a thin and healthy body?
I resent everything about me.
The boy, M, was very nice about everything and because my fucked up essence I broke up with him in the worst way, through messages.
And what amazed me the most is that he wasn’t even extremely upset about the whole thing, if I was him, I wouldn’t even speak with myself.
To top everything, I weighted last night and I was fucking 152 pounds…
I WANT TO DIE…I really want to die...This way I won’t be able to hurt anyone.
End of post. I sincerely hope that your lives are better than mine.
“PerfectingMyEmptiness”

La-la Land...comment please

Every time i was down, almost nobody was there to pick me up, so i taught my mind and body to help itself...i had to be enough for myself.
Sometimes i don't know it is worth to fight in order to reach the shore, when i can just leave myself drawn.
Sometimes i just want to bury myself in the depths of my soul...to the La-la Land where i don't have to
hear,
feel,
see,
react,
touch,
speak,
write,
communicate,
hold onto,
suffer,
attack,
cry,
cut,
purge,
binge,
eat,
watch something,
focus on sth,
hold onto sth,
be bullied,
be in the "crowd",
worry,
save,
pretend,
hurt myself,
hurt someone,
sleep,
get fatter,
listen to someone not even remotely interesting,
be ashamed,
be vulnerable,
hide,
see myself,
disappoint myself and others,
occupy all the chair with my fat,
be bored, feel obliged to do sth,
hate others when i can just hate myself,
TO REMEMBER.
This is my La-la Land...the perfect refuge without:
past,
other human beings,
words,
actions,
scenery.








Could you all comment about your La-la Land? this way i won't feel the need to go into a mental institution about my imagining things:)



End of post.
"Love is in our scars and bones"
"PerfectingMyEmptiness"

Hello again:)

So i have been seeing a psychologist, i felt very good during sessions.
But unfortunately, my dear momster, said that she doesn't have the money to pay for it anymore,
and if i really need to talk to somebody,
i should be able to talk to her not some stranger.
Yeah mom, *newsflash* i have been trying to talk to you since...well, since forever, not my fault you chose to ignore the problem instead if solving it.
So after a call from the psychologist she will let me go 3 more times...
She really is something...i mean she doesn't have money for me to go to the gym, she doesn't have money for me to go to the therapist,
but she does have money for her monthly spa, for her hobby, a really retarded one, but who am i to say something?my hobby is starving:)).
i really hate her.
plus, being nervous makes me want to eat more and more...i haven't been to good on the scale...
See you later, lovelies.
"PerfectingMyEmptiness"
xoxo

Dear Anonymous...

Dear Anonymous,
You are an Idiot.
Do you have any idea how have i wished that all my life was just some silly bullshit made up by me?
Do you have any idea how many times i wondered if i made everything up?
Do you have any idea how every time someone does something nice or unexpected I get all emo, wondering if i am a stupid girl who only makes her life harder by making up "bullshit"?
Do you have any idea how i wished to have a place like blogger ville where i can be completely honest about who i am and what has happened to me?
No you don't know anything about me, you do not have even the slightest idea about who i am.
Where you anywhere near me when i was thinking about suicide and how i want to wash everything dirty from myself?
Where you there when i finally realized that i couldn't, and that no matter what i couldn't erase the shit that has happened?
Where you there when i realized that i am who i am because of the things that had happened?
Are you there, following every step i make?every move?
Are you there when my emotions go haywire?
No, you were not, and never will be so don't you dare say to me that all my life has been bullshit, i won't allow it.
I hope you will be reading it.
PS: For those who don't know what the hell i am talking about:
I have received a comment from some anonymous(a coward) on the blog entry about my life saying that he smells bullshit in my life story. I will not allow him to say that, so i didn't post his comment...this is all i had to say:)
"PerfectingMyEmptiness"
xoxo

...........................................................................................................................................

OK, first of all, i would like to thank to 2 people:
Olive and "Words From a Sufferer".
I am still 148,
but because of an unknown cause last week or something like that i gained 4 pounds, but i have exercised like crazy and got back to "normal".
Also i have decided that i need to see a psychologist,
i guess you wonder what triggered this decision.
Well mainly because of something that happened yesterday morning,
i hadn't heard the alarm so i slept too much and got woken up
by my mother with her saying "Wake up beautiful princess".
And i just froze on the spot. She hasn't called me this since the rape...
i was fucking crazy, i couldn't stop crying...
It made me wonder what was real in my life...
did i just woke up from a nightmare??
Have i made up the rape and everything else?am i that nuts?
I felt like i am loosing my mind, and she was just sitting there,
almost crying, saying "am i that horrible", i felt like i was choking and went to the bathroom, and stayed there until she left for work.
I felt this intense need of cutting...
but instead i sticked my fingers down my throat
and purged everything i had inside. After that i came to the conclusion i can't survive without hurting myself or the people around me.
Also i have discovered wonderful song, it is called


sia-breath me:


Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me




Again thank you so much, Olive for the comment,
if you want, you can check my story on the other posts.
Although to be honest when i read Olive's comment i felt like a faker...
i am not that strong girl she thinks i am...
i am just powerless, without any kindness.
I felt like i am fooling her, if she thinks i am a strong person...
for example, in that night, i fought a little but then i waited for it to finish...i was in lethargy,
that state of mind when you are barely alive and almost dead...
i felt drained, powerless, worthless.
I felt him in me and i couldn't even speak, i couldn't even move...
i just let that thing take advantage of me, without fighting back...
I was just thinking that sometimes soon it would end, with me dead...
but it wasn't like that...i was left there fucking alive...



End of post
"PerfectingMyEmptiness"

Not worth reading...just stupid things

I am so sorry about not posting...
i just had a very crazy idea that if i don't think about my problems and if i don't blog it will all dissapear.
You know when you just wish to close your eyes and wish that when you reopen them everything is perfect???
this is what I've been doing...
trying to deny Ana the place she deserves.
I should've known better. Now it is ten times herder to just be perfect, thin gracious, not that i would actually get to be perfect some day.
Today a very "nice" thing happened:
I came home at about 10 A.M.,
and was in the bathroom getting the bandages from my cuts changed when my dad bumps(literally) in. He took his keys and just went out.
Now he looks like he saw me for the first time,
he doesn't even want to talk to me...i am so fucked up.
I guess that after everything that has happened to me,
he just thought that i am the strong big(very big) girl he dreamed of...
well *newsflash*, dad being raped and then being dejected by so many people kind of ruins the life of even the strongest person(which i am not).
I think i am going nuts, i haven't eaten since(today is Tuesday???)
since Thursday, i feel the room spinning with me,
i have a sick feeling in my stomach, but the feeling in my heart it is stronger...
my friends think i have finally gone mad...
I don't care, for the love of a non-existent God,
i don't care...they all could go fuck themselves...call me emo, worthless, everything you'd like.
I have thought so much of suicide...
more than in the usual fucking days...
i don't know if i have the power necessary,
plus i keep having nightmares with the piece of shit that raped me saying,
they can't love a such dirty little creature...
and the worse is that my sick shit filled mind is right...
why would they love me??i don't have nothing to offer...
just baggage to much fucking baggage...
Right now the self-injuring and Ana are the only things left,
that and maybe death...
I am sorry for this post and i hope that no one reads this...
it isn't worth reading.
I am sorry if i don't blog for awhile...
i don't have anything remotely interesting to say
I am sorry
"PerfectingMyEmptiness"

important news...

i have some news for you my lovelies:*
-i am a huge failure and i am so sorry of disappointing you,
i ate like a pig today:i made it to not eat at breakfast,
at lunch i was obligated by HER, and if i said no,
she would have discovered me. I went to opera
(i love opera, classical music, especially piano)
and when i came home, mom was making apple cake,
and i couldn't stop myself, it was like an out of body experience,
it was like i was watching myself eat, i had no power over my own body,
it was so scary...i don't know what happened,
i usually don't make mistakes like that...i am so sorry...
-i don't know....it is a mystery to me how much i have come to trust you all with things i have never shared in all my life...
especially "TheInvisibleDisorderedOne" i feel like i can tell you everything and you also helped me a lot,
thank you very much to all of you who have read me,
or will be reading me.
-my favorite cousin comes at the end of next week,
and he is super skinny, depressed and he is a doctor
(am i the only one that finds this extremely funny?:):)):))
-i won't be able to connect with you guys at all next week because i will be gone to the mountain, to ski and lose weight:)).
The reason why i am so so happy is that my parents won't be there and i will have a room for myself.
I am going with the friend that was the main character in another post and another girl, and her mother...
i really hope i can make her feel really nice this week,
after the situation with her father.
So nobody will say anything if i don't eat with them saying "ups i ate in my room", especially since my mom has bought tons of food for me to eat there.
:))i am a genius. I will make ANA proud of me, i promise,
even though she can never be satisfied enough.
-i am two pounds thinner, hope to make more progress in this week.
I love you a lot, and i am so sorry for my unforgivable mistake. I will make you proud of me, all of me, i swear.
Lots of LOVE, think thin and "LOVE IS IN OUR SCARS"
"PerfectingMyEmptiness"

I want to be so thin that i can dissapear into thin air...

OK i promised a story...here it goes:
when i was 2 years old, my father who was a alcoholic,
killed another man, he went to jail for 12 years.
I had 2 sisters. My mom couldn't support all of us.
I had a problem with the lungs.
She decided that it was better that she would give me to an open adoption.
An open adoption means that she has the right to find out how i am,
to communicate directly with me. So she sent me to my adopting family.
When i was 13 years old, i was raped when i was on my way home...
it was horrible, i don't really want to remember that night...
it makes me feel so dirty and cheap...
After that incident the problems with my mom started,
she started to yell, scream at me. She used to speak so nice with me...
she never stoped saying how worthless i am,
how i will never have any friends,
how they will always dump me because of my retarded character.
She doesn't see me like her daughter anymore,
i am just a burden for her .
About a year ago Ana came to me, after a fight with my mom,
in which she told me how fat i am, that i never do anything,
that is way i was such a cow.
And i just decided i wanted to be so thin that i would dissapear into thin air...
and i still want to and will always want to.
OK, so the story goes on...:
last summer my dear biological father got released from prison and he came to me, and said that he wanted to be my real father...
i said that i just had one father and that he wasn't that one,
i said a lot of ugly stuffs too,
only to find out 2 months later that he was killed.
It was all my fault, all my fault. He died because of me.
My best friend died 2 years ago...
because of me, i was too selfish: he loved me a lot and not just like a friend,
he used to give me little attentions every day.
One day i was very nervous and he came to me and wouldn't let me alone,
i told him that i wanted to be alone...he didn't go,
and i got so angry that i told him that i just wished him to dissapear from the planet, that he meant nothing to me,
and i told it in such a harsh tone,
that after hours in which i calmed down,
when i gave him a call his mother answered,
telling me that he had died of an overdose,
he never did drugs, or anything else.
And he left me a note saying that i am such an wonderful person and that i had to be happy without him, that he only shadows my happiness...
i was for a few months on the bridge of suicidal...
i didn't want to have anything to do with life,
i was just a dirty big thing,
i used to drown my sorrows in chocolate and cutting...
i wanted to drown , but a escaped, i wanted to cut my wrists,
but again i survived...i would have given anything to change places with him...
he still has a great place of my heart,
i realized too late that i loved him too...

i was too stupid, i will never forgive myself...never...
I am just a horrible curse that needs to be eradicated from earth.
Ana...hm...she came like a sunshine in my life, it gave me such a blissful high...and it still does...
Ana, Mia and the blade are my best friends...
they were there when my family wasn't.
My ad mother always preferred looking the other way...
she probably thought that i deserved everything that had happened to me...
she was and still is right...
i deserved it for every single pain i caused to me,
i erased every pain i had caused to others.
She was a shitty mom, but she is right: i am a shitty daughter...
I know that someone else would have had the power to just get over the past, but i am too powerless...too (quote from my dear mom)"worthless".
I get along pretty good with my biological mom.
we talk every one in a while.
It was very hard for me to write this,
so spare me the bad grammar or spelling...
It feels good to get at least part of the burden of my chest,
i feel like the hole in my chest starts to skin over slowly and surely...
but i also know i will have to wait some more time for it to become a simple scar...
Sorry if this was a boring thing...but as i said i needed to do this.
Thank you all, for listening at least partially to me.
Love is in our scars:)
kisses and bones:*
"PerfectingMyEmptiness"

random thoughts...

OK.....news:
i hate food, i hate my mom, and of course i hate myself.
I hate food, in generally because the food is full of calories,
and it sticks in my stomach like an illness.
I hate the feeling of food going down my throat.
I hate my stomach that gets bigger and bigger.
I hate my mom, because she never sees anything except how to gain more money,
how to offend me more.
She claims to be so nutritional and healthy,
how the hell is McDonald's healthy??
She was never there for me, she never did understand me fully.
I don't know why she bothered adopting me
if she clearly knew they wouldn't be able to support me emotionally.
Maybe you are curious on my story. I will tell you someday,
when i will be ready.Because of my sweet mom i found again comfort in my blades.
I had a long talk with my school group friends.
I told them that the blades are the only thing that really help me.
And surprisingly they understood under one condition: to let them know when i cut. Even though i was so deeply hurt when they found out.
I never felt so vulnerable in my life.
I felt naked with all my fatness and ugly things for everyone to see.
But i managed it. I already know my power,
and also know that this is the only thing left.
I hate myself because i volunteered helping my mom in the kitchen,
and we made a salad with chicken and vegetables and MAYONNAISE.
I used to absolutely love mayonnaise, and of course i couldn't help eating,
and then i couldn't stop eating...god i am sooo afraid stepping on the scale tonight, God have mercy.
I really don't believe in God i think it is a big fat lie made for people to behave, thinking that there is someone there watching over us.
In generally people feel the need to believe in something.
"PerfectingMyEmptiness"
xoxoxo

does death revolve around us, or do we revolve around the death????URGENT

how simple it is to die...it is too simple...
the father of one of my friends died...
The worst thing is that i am so fucked up that i cannot even tell her something,
i just don't know how to react,
because for me there was no one there to support me,
and i just don't want to let her go trough this alone...
i cannot let her, but i am so afraid that i do or say something wrong.
Maybe if their relationship was bad, violent and so on, i could manage better,
but i was always so jealous of her relationship with her father, they were like twins, as complexion and as character, they were completing each others sentences. She is so broken,
i don't know how to fix her,
i feel like i am powerless,
but it is something different than before,
if it was me who was in pain,
i could repress the hurt very effective,
but she is just...i can't even express how she looks; halo, i think is just a good word.
I stare in her eyes and see nothing.
She always had a real light in her eyes, that were the perfect copy of her father's. So damn vulnerable.
If i do something wrong, she just breaks harder.
How do I do this????????????...God, why did He let this happen. I am just starting to hate him more...
at least if she had her mother with her,
but the bitch left them when she was three.
She is alone, good that she has 18 years.
I need advices on how to manage...URGENT.......

hit counter

The strenght nedeed????

God...i feel like the world is crashing near me, and i don't see it...
my friends had a huge fight...
because of me, because i cut and they found it......
they had trust in me, and i fucked up because of HER fuck up.
I just wish to know a place where i am enough for myself,
a place where i can enjoy my time alone...where i can bear myself,
where i can watch myself and say:this is perfection, this is what i want...
This or i want to be so thin that i can simply dissapear,
why can't i be invisible??
It used to be so simple to be nobody, to be just a fucking thing on the planet,
and now that people are actually trying to break trough my shell,
i make it tougher...nobody tried that before.
After a few crazy shows from me, everybody used to back away,
but now i found an equally crazy people...
what do i do???how do i tell them that i am not a good friend???
that i don't know how to act like one???
From where do usual people take the strength to go trough a new day???
I can't find it...i just wake up in another bloody fight with my mom...
I can't wake up smiling, because i think of the people for who i wasn't enough,
and i think why should i be enough for me??
Why can't i just express myself???
why do i make everyone so miserable???mom fights with dad
because she thinks that dad isn't tough enough with me.
My real mom gave me away because i was just the fifth wheel in the family.
My real dad...i don't really want to talk about him...he just committed suicide,because of me...i am a curse...i feel trapped inside of my body,
i feel like a huge storm is coming from my insides and i can't take it out.
how do you love somebody???
God i never had to have such worries...till now it was just me and my sorrows...
but now, there are 4 others...how do i act????
I used to have some places that were just mine,
where i can just be me, a raped fucked up girl...
but now i have to keep my secrets even from my mind, heart and home...
they are everywhere i look.

























I can't drown intro my sorrow,
i can't help drowning,
i drown but i have to pretend that i am safe and sound...

Money, money and again money

did i mention the 8 pounds loss??well forget it i ate mashed potatoes and butter...ghrrr...damn yummy food.
i am kind of worried for when i will step on the scale,
please give me courage...
i don't even have the cutting anymore, because my friends found out,
and they are checking me everyday(all over the body).
I hate them for that, but i don't want to disappoint them,
because they are everything i have left in this world...
my biggest fear is to be left to die alone,
like my bio father died, alone, without anyone to take care for him...
do i sound pathetic???yes i probably am...i don't care...
right now i could use so much a blade, i need it,
it ends the hole that it is punched trough my chest,
it ends the pain,
it ends the little voice that tells me how shitty i am or
how worthless i am...
because i am, and i just try to hide it the best i can,
for the world to not know what i really am,
and the value i have.
I am not depressive, actually i am, and suicidal, but hey...
life is pink.
This is why i want to be thin so much,
to help me built the the mask of glass better,
probably you would be wondering what exactly is a mask of glass.
In order to find out you should go in the street
and watch carefully the faces of people,
sit in the middle of the street and scream from the top of your lungs,
and then you will see the faces of the people slowly putting the mask of indifference. It happened to me not with the scream,
last winter i was very sick, i didn't have enough magnesium in my body,
and i almost fainted in the way to school, and my knees went weak.
Nobody helped me, they were watching me like the plague,
pretending that they are perfect,
probably thinking that i did drugs, or that i am pregnant...so the mask of glass equals the mask of indifference.
Kind of everything i needed to say...i still have no comments*sigh*but i have to wait, patience is important.
kisses and hugs
xoxo

i am happy

i am so, so happy, i lost 8 pounds in a week...
it is good...i am heading for the good way.
Yesterday we had the last 3 hours free and,
i and my group went to a pub near high.
I drank a lot of beer, and when i came home, nobody was home, and i puked.
I felt so good after wards:).
And before the puking i had 160 pounds, and now i have 150. so cool:).
i still feel like a cow but,
i am feeling like a littler cow:D:D
i made a mental note, when i will reach 135 i will stop, i swear.

I succeeded the 35 hours fast, minus the beer.
Mom is getting more and more suspicious about my weight.Funny, she just thinks about the money she would have to spend if i was Ana.
For her is just the money, nothing else. It is understandable, counting the fact that i am not her real daughter,
so if i don't have her genes, it means that i will never be perfect, everything i do is wrong.
Sometimes i swear she just adopted me because she wanted to make my life miserable.
She didn't succeeded, if i have Ana, i don't need her.
And i have tons of friends.
I don't need her, i never did. It was a good thing that i never expected her to help me when my best friend died, when my real father died...when i died, she killed me slowly and surely.
I still have my real mom, i talk to her a lot, and i have my adoptive father, the only father i knew and loved.
She really thinks that i don't have any defenses, she is so wrong. I can do everything i want.
Before i knew that there are others that can be my friends, i suffered a lot, i cried, i cut. But now i don't cut so often, i am more happy. But then, i was a wreck. The scars are still then, and i will make her realise exactly how much she hurt me...
And this lady is a promise.
kisses and hugs. Think Thin xoxo

Welcome to the Zoo...

OK....so i technically feel exactly like a cow...i ate too
much chocolate, because two of my classmates had their
birthdays today, and brought chocolate to school...
and i couldn't say no, and then i didn't have the power to leave it not eaten.
I suck, did you know that???
I woke up really early, because i wanted to go for a light jog,
so i am really tired, but being tired is so good.
God my mom is such a sissy.
I had a fight at lunch before i go to school because i didn't wanted to eat for lunch...i mean what the hell, i am not hungry, then why should i eat?because she says so??
OK so i made it to school with the empty stomach, i was about to congratulate myself, because i almost made the 30 hours fast, but did I last???
hell no, i had to eat the chocolate, it was like it was speaking to me, daring me to not say no, and my eating disorder being discovered.
OK, i sound really crazy, don't I??I do.I know.
I really think that my mom begins to be suspicious of me not eating when she is around...i think i will have to eat tomorrow with her...it sucks.







I think i could do a little fast, not 30 hours but what about 20???i am going to find out:D:D:D

why does god hate me????

i have just a question.........why does God hate me???it gotta be a reason, right?
i mean, i puke, even if i don't eat, i am getting fatter and fatter, why???
i feel my stomach getting larger and larger, and i hate it.
I fucking count my calories...ghrr, and of course i cannot do a fast because of my stupid, idiotic mother...why me???