rambling

ok, so the title says it all:))
it is just that, i had another fight with momster, in which she told me that i am unworthy of anyone's love, and sooner or later A will realize that i am unworthy of
her... don't bother to tell me that it is not true, i know it is not...
It is just , what makes someone worthy or someone unworthy?The looks?the financial status?the manners?the past?
what really makes a person ok? what makes her/him happy? does someone know what makes us happy? i don't think i ever made someone happy, i don't believe in happiness, i believe it is just hyperbole, something abstract...do you really think that once we get to our goal weight, we will be happy? i don't really think so, we will always think that happiness is just
ONE step away,
one pound,
one tear,
one scar,
one starved day,
one sleepless night,
one lost embrace,
one lost lover,
one nice comment about how we look...
And when our live ends, we will look back and wonder how much we have lost because of our way of thinking, coping about and with life...
no matter how fat i/we are, we have to see that because we know that we are fat,
we are a step further from our peers that stuff their mouths with junk/full of calories food...we are wiser just by realizing that being thin can't be achieved without self-control, self hatred...not too much, just a little dose...
another thing i wanted to say is the question of pessimistic/optimistic
some would say that optimist is way better than pessimist...
i disagree completely...
i think that if you are a pessimist, when something bad happens, you will take it easy because you will have been expecting it, and when something good happens, you will be happy for it,
on the other side, the optimists, when they receive good news, they aren't too thrilled, because they have been expecting it, but when they receive bad news, they are down depressed...so i rather be pessimist.
On the past issue, things have been good, i mean i think i can think of him as not such a threat anymore, but it still hurts to think about it...
it will be good...
the full time problem...the weight...it hurts to say it...i am past 150 pounds...i am balling my eyes out...i need a meal plan, a meal plan that i can stick with it no matter what...it will be very hard for me to find one...but i will...i am still confused but i am in a better mood...
I want to hear more of you....tell me how you all have been going, tell me your weights that are obviously lower than mine is at the moment, make me feel bad about it:)):))
no really now, tell me your problems, i would be more than thrilled to help you.
Lots of love and
love is in our scars and bones
End of post
"PerfectingMyEmptiness"

.................................................................

A's blog is "ThePastGivesUsTheStrenghtWeSometimesNeed"
if you could help her a little it would be great
I will post tonight more detailed about what has happened in this weekend, i am so fucking happy:):):):)

NEWS

well, i talked to him...and i am feeling utterly confused.
He has kind of made peace with God?
Shit i can't hate a man that doesn't hate others...
i feel like there is no point in hating him,
but when i think of all the marks that i have from washing too roughly in the shower, just hoping i might get the dirt from me...
i feel like there is a time for me to be at peace with my past...
but it is very hard, just being en routine in this past years...hating him, myself, cutting, starving...and now...BUM there isn't hate...just sorrow.
ok so the story is the following, my cousin whom i mentioned in the past post,
gave me his number and said just call him and then tell me what you think...
and the thing is that he is so peaceful?serene?
shit i said earlier and will say it again...
I CAN'T HATE SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T HATE ANYONE...
i feel like screaming in pain, agony or relief?
I am so confused as to what the hell i will be doing from now on...
i was talking with vizzy, that i am thinking about coming with terms with everything that has happened to me so far, with my past, and i was saying that it is incredibly hard to do so, i am too used to try to forget, not remember...
A has started her blog...
i am happy for her, because i know how i felt when i first came in blogger ville...suicidal, without any hope of better,
but i soon found that i can find similar people to me, who can understand me...
thank you all, and i hope that maybe(pretty pretty please;;)) you can read her blog, she needs all the power she can get:)
I will keep you updated with the progress i am making in trying to come to terms with the past.
love is in our scars and bones
"PerfectingMyEmptiness"
xoxoxoxoxoxoxo
End of post
xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

He was set free...HELP

Yesterday i heard that the monster that raped me was set free.
I couldn't press charges back then when it happened, because i was so traumatized that i couldn't remember almost anything. A cousin of mine set up a robbery, in which the freaking monster was involved, being innocent. And he got 4 years of prison. he got out after three for behaving. He "promised" revenge...
i feel like i am suffocating. I am so sorry, A but i cut...i am sorry i couldn't do anything to be stronger. I just want to kill him with my own hands. He doesn't deserve freedom, he deserves torture. He doesn't deserve his family, he deserves being left alone...feeling like i did. To be left alone in my worse moment...feeling like i did...i want hi to feel the pain i felt all those years: the fear, the angst, the anger, the anguish.
I am afraid for my life right now...he promised revenge....
Three years of suffering...all in vain, he was set free...when i heard the news i fainted. I am so afraid he will come again and the nightmare won't ever stop...
I cut a lot...couldn't stop myself from cutting deeper.
A, i am so sorry i couldn't keep the promise i made.
I can't stop the memories, they come back and hit me with full force...me screaming in pain, him saying" i know you like it, little piece of shit"...me trying to escape, but then becoming inert...i wish to die, i am really suicidal...
If i wouldn't have texted vizzy last night...i think i would have been dead by now...Thank you very much for stopping me from doing something stupid but that felt necessary.
I have this burning feeling in the pit of my stomach that i get whenever someone is watching me...i am paranoid. I feel like a robot, i did the chores in the house, writing on the blog...i can't seem to find any emotions..i am void of beautiful feelings...there is just self-hatred, hatred in general, disgust, anger...i am disgusted by the police forces in our stupid country...how could he be free?
Can you honestly say that God exists?I prayed 6 days ago, for A, P, and me...and what did i got? i disappointed A, I am no longer sweethearts with P, and as for myself...the man of my nightmares was set free...and here i am being trapped in the nightmares, like in a little cage.Can any of you honestly say that He exists and that He loves me? I don't really think so...
I just want to fall asleep and never wake up...I showered until now (10 a.m.) 5 times to clean myself from dirt, the marks...i still feel the marks...still fresh.....
How can i survive?
I need to know everything will be ok...can anyone be sure that he won't come for me?Can anyone say that i will be safe? I am lost....
HELP
"PerfectingMyEmptiness"

shit goes more downhill..

Goddess...i fasted yesterday...made it 40 hours without food, but i have been made to eat...i hate those filthy excuses...i am listening superchick-beauty from pain....wonderful song.
Tomorrow i will go with A and some family friends to the mountain. just a little trip to the mountain, and i am sick and tired of eating...i don't want to eat, but i will be made to eat. I think about asking A for help to stop me from eating...too risky right?
I feel like i am just a big big problem in everyone's life...i just want to dissapear from the face of the Earth.
I can't even last a 2 days fast...when did a become such a burden?when did my life become so gray?i just want to be loved...not romantically just loved...i will never let my walls crumple just for a boy...never...forgot to tell you about what happened to P...he dumped me.....he dumped me....i still can't realize...
I just...can't find any more reason to live....i am just in this big big big(like me) hole in which i can't climb my way up.
I don't know how can others make the day without crying.
I am proud of me, haven't touched my skin with the blade...so fucking proud...but i don't know how much i can last without cutting...sometimes i daydream about cutting...how fucked up is that?
really...i just want to be in the shadows...to lurke in the shadows...unseen, unheard, untouched...just a witness to the masks of glass that people wear...to see them fall and to see them force themselves to continue wearing them...for what? i don't know...maybe to make them feel better?less vulnerable?maybe...
i just feel the need for non-stop rambling...just i don't find the subject...how can you not find a rambling subject??it is rambling for God's sake...........
i want to hear more from what have happened to you, my lovelies.
Good luck to Kat's sister Kate for the pole dancing...wish you the best.
Love you all
excuse my unnecessary and uncalled for rambling:)
"Love is in my scars and bones"
"PerfectingMyEmptiness"
xoxoxoxoxoxoxo
End of post

Oh dear, more drama on the horizon...

My mother officially ruins everything she touches. I just got back from the seaside today, a couple of hours before going to school. I hadn't brought any books to the seaside, and i wanted to do some homework, but does she let me?Of course not, she starts yelling that i hadn't eaten anything all day, that I didn't washed the dishes, that, that, that etc. I am used tot he slapping, yelling, and of course i didn't have it in me to not fight back. So i went to school fifteen minutes earlier than normal, thinking that maybe i could see P, my boyfriend...WRONG...i got to the high school, entered the high school, when i tried to go out...BAM...there was momster, thinking herself as a bodyguard. Asked as to what the fucking hell was she doing there, she just answered that she was checking me...what the fuck?I literally saw red in front of my eyes.
Because the fact that I couldn't meet with P, we had a humongous fight...n which i couldn't really say anything because he was right, and i was the guilty one...I mean i can't go out on weekends, i can't meet him during the week, i can't meet him period...it is like she wants to put me in a fucking cage and lock the fucking gate.
Today i had one boiled egg, tomato cucumber and onion salad, 4 biscuits, 2 sausages because of the fight and i am totally fucked up and planning to binge on the chocolate...help
The self hatred is dangerously high...
I am thinking about breaking up with P, he doesn't deserve anything from the things i am doing to him...Only when i think about his constant fear at the thought of me cutting too deep, or me throwing my guts out...I seriously don't understand why he picked me, he is soo cute and lovely, and plays the piano, and he s a professional dancer, and he picked me...it doesn't make sense...i am just ruining his fucking life.
He deserves a normal, happy, healthy girl, whom he can love without fear, whom he can meet without interdiction...
Why am i like that? Some of you say that there is a God...Where is He now?I don't get any sign from Him. Why is that?
I am sinking so low right now.
I am seriously and dangerously thinking about suicide...why hadn't i died that night?
Why did God allowed such a broken soul to wander on the face of the earth?Why can't I just kill myself?Because there are so many cowards and i am no exception...
one more day and I will get over everything, because i promised to A that i will not cut myself. I made a promise and I will fucking keep it, no matter what.
She is right now, my number one priority.
No more P, no more angst and drama from momster, just her/Ana/Mia...and of course all of you, my lovelies.
Love you all.
Love is in our scars and bones
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
"PerfectingMyEmptiness"
xoxoxoxoxoxooxxoxox
End of post.