I am so sorry about not posting...
i just had a very crazy idea that if i don't think about my problems and if i don't blog it will all dissapear.
You know when you just wish to close your eyes and wish that when you reopen them everything is perfect???
this is what I've been doing...
trying to deny Ana the place she deserves.
I should've known better. Now it is ten times herder to just be perfect, thin gracious, not that i would actually get to be perfect some day.
Today a very "nice" thing happened:
I came home at about 10 A.M.,
and was in the bathroom getting the bandages from my cuts changed when my dad bumps(literally) in. He took his keys and just went out.
Now he looks like he saw me for the first time,
he doesn't even want to talk to me...i am so fucked up.
I guess that after everything that has happened to me,
he just thought that i am the strong big(very big) girl he dreamed of...
well *newsflash*, dad being raped and then being dejected by so many people kind of ruins the life of even the strongest person(which i am not).
I think i am going nuts, i haven't eaten since(today is Tuesday???)
since Thursday, i feel the room spinning with me,
i have a sick feeling in my stomach, but the feeling in my heart it is stronger...
my friends think i have finally gone mad...
I don't care, for the love of a non-existent God,
i don't care...they all could go fuck themselves...call me emo, worthless, everything you'd like.
I have thought so much of suicide...
more than in the usual fucking days...
i don't know if i have the power necessary,
plus i keep having nightmares with the piece of shit that raped me saying,
they can't love a such dirty little creature...
and the worse is that my sick shit filled mind is right...
why would they love me??i don't have nothing to offer...
just baggage to much fucking baggage...
Right now the self-injuring and Ana are the only things left,
that and maybe death...
I am sorry for this post and i hope that no one reads this...
it isn't worth reading.
I am sorry if i don't blog for awhile...
i don't have anything remotely interesting to say
I am sorry
"PerfectingMyEmptiness"
2/18/10
Not worth reading...just stupid things
Posted by PerfectingMyEmptiness at 10:17 AM
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2 comments:
it is worth reading. During some of the worst times we make the greats revelations about ourselves.
I'll talk to you later (so much homework :( )
It is totally worth reading. Sweet girl. Down in the depths of yourself, know that you are a strong woman. Whatever terrible things that have happened to you, please don't let it destroy you. This is just a moment in your life and you will, I hope look back upon it and feel proud of yourself for getting through it. You will be amazed at yourself and the power to pull yourself through especially at such a young age. There is so much life to live, and so much beauty to see, even if times are fucked right now, they won't be forever. Think of this message as you in the future telling you as a young woman that it will be okay. I was truly touched, and I care about what happens to you. Even though I am a stranger. Peace. --Olive.
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