shit goes more downhill..

Goddess...i fasted yesterday...made it 40 hours without food, but i have been made to eat...i hate those filthy excuses...i am listening superchick-beauty from pain....wonderful song.
Tomorrow i will go with A and some family friends to the mountain. just a little trip to the mountain, and i am sick and tired of eating...i don't want to eat, but i will be made to eat. I think about asking A for help to stop me from eating...too risky right?
I feel like i am just a big big problem in everyone's life...i just want to dissapear from the face of the Earth.
I can't even last a 2 days fast...when did a become such a burden?when did my life become so gray?i just want to be loved...not romantically just loved...i will never let my walls crumple just for a boy...never...forgot to tell you about what happened to P...he dumped me.....he dumped me....i still can't realize...
I just...can't find any more reason to live....i am just in this big big big(like me) hole in which i can't climb my way up.
I don't know how can others make the day without crying.
I am proud of me, haven't touched my skin with the blade...so fucking proud...but i don't know how much i can last without cutting...sometimes i daydream about cutting...how fucked up is that?
really...i just want to be in the shadows...to lurke in the shadows...unseen, unheard, untouched...just a witness to the masks of glass that people wear...to see them fall and to see them force themselves to continue wearing them...for what? i don't know...maybe to make them feel better?less vulnerable?maybe...
i just feel the need for non-stop rambling...just i don't find the subject...how can you not find a rambling subject??it is rambling for God's sake...........
i want to hear more from what have happened to you, my lovelies.
Good luck to Kat's sister Kate for the pole dancing...wish you the best.
Love you all
excuse my unnecessary and uncalled for rambling:)
"Love is in my scars and bones"
"PerfectingMyEmptiness"
xoxoxoxoxoxoxo
End of post