Holiday Update

Tuesday, 24 august

Hei...I just got the awesomest gift...a silver bracelet with shells, from A it is wonderful...I freaking love it. Momster bought me things from the road, which was ok, but i would rather like it more if she bought me something she looked for. Now we are at a house in the heart of the mountains, it is great. I got in too many fights with momster to even remember them. I want to stay here as much as I can, without thinking twice, b/c every second is unique and it has to be liveed at its maximum. Crape diem. At the eating thing...I ate too fucking much,I couldn't puke and still cannot b/c of the cold i caught, and my throat hurts like hell even if i do a simple action like speaking.
I wanna sleep as much as i can:)so nighty night
Love you all

Holiday Update

Monday, 23 august

Hi, we are currently heading towards cluj napoca, a beautiful city. I had 2 slices of meat...awful...and 2 cups of tea...I really don't wanna eat meat...why am I forced to eat meat?? Scratch that...why am I forced to eat anything...
That, I wrote this afternoon. Now, it is night...tomorrow is my birthday...I can't say I wait for it...NOOOO...I stopped waiting for something awesome to happen on my birthday...in my family the most important for momster...for her...it is all about her...from the start to the end...it never was about something else...I used to think that she at least adopted me because she loved me, but I came to the conclusion that she needed something to control...she made the mistake of being a control freak and of taking me for granted...I used to feel guilty if I said something bad to her...but now?no freakin' way. I started to relish in her pain...I was sick of her almost laughing in my face everytime I sufered
This is monday night's postt
Love y'all.

Holiday Update

Sunday, 22 august

Do you believe of love at first sight? I don't...what is the point in loving someone without knowing his qualities and flaws , without being there for him/her for a long time. I personally don't see the point in loving someone if you don't know that one. I heard lots of people saying how "oh, it was love at first sight and oh, how he/she loved a certain someone the moment he/she appeared" HOW MUCH BULLSHIT...most of the relationships end in a way or another so what is the point in lying? Just be honest with you...say she sad nice features/boobs/body/eyes, but don't bullshiT me with love at first sight...I am terribly bored, I am att the mountains, it is lots of fun, but now I am supposed to go to bed, and hell is I feel like sleeping... I am with A and momster, father...it is fun most of the time but when I see girls at restaurants stuffing their mouths with food so rich in calories, and they are so skinny...all my good feelings fly away like they were never there...I got under 150 but I don't think I will last very much...I think I am going vegetarian...after this night of stuffing my mouth with meat I will try not to put any piece of meat in my mouth.
This is sunday night, I will write every night and I will just do copy/paste when I get home.
Nighty night...love y'all

best song ever

Edith Backlund - Skinny
it is a hypnotising melody...the best....playing it on repeat all the day...

feeling gooooooooooooood................................

i went to the beach, and there i saw a lot of skinny beautiful girls...
the first few days i was just balling my eyes out,
but then i started to think that i should in fact be sure to be like them not.
So i lost 4 pounds in a week...
i want more, and i am kind of sure i will get there,
if not in the near future, in the long run for sure i will get there.
So on the Ana side i am good,
on the SI side...not so good.
I feel so fucking lonely, like no one is around me...
It is weird if you would have told me a few months ago that i am lonely...
i would have said...yeah, so?i am used to it,
but the point is that i have mt you, P, A,
and i was so damn used to being not alone anymore...
and then BUFF...it went downhill, i haven't posted in a while,
i wonder why you even read my blog.
A has already tons and tons of other problems in which i can't really help her and it would be very selfish of me to ask for her help...
I haven't talked to P in awhile.
And my classmates...almost haven't seen anyone of them in the whole holiday.
If i sum up the fact that the summer holiday is almost ending,
and i haven't really accomplished not one goal from what i have set for myself, it all equals in one big FAT mess...
God i wish i would stop feeling so emotional...
there are people that don't have anything to eat...and they are fighting...
maybe my feeling are so bad because i couldn't cut in awhile
(yea i said couldn't not wouldn't),
i couldn't find any sharp things at the sea side...
how stupid is that?i came home and the first thing after taking a good old cold shower and shaving my legs was cutting...
and it felt soooo fucking good...i hadn't wanted to stop...
and then the bad side came again and told me that i can't even finish something like offing myself...
i took 6 or 7 aspirins and slept cold through the night...
in the morning my bitch of a mother started with the shit, that i can't do anything good...etc.etc.and i was reminded of the shit i was thinking last night.......
God i really need to be hospitalized and not in a Ana recovering institution,
but in a mental one...
i am saying it for good...i start to hear voices that tell me what a fat fuck i am, i am being told i did things i don't remember doing,
of things i don't remember saying...
i think i have developed Multiple personality disorder...
one more illness to add...i really hope your lives are better than mine, because i am a really fuck up at the moment...
End of post
Love you all
xoxo
"PerfectingMyEmptiness"

apologies

...I am sorry for my moment of weakness...you don't really know how i felt...i am so sorry...i won't give up my life for nothing. Altough the blog...i don't know about that...i mean i barely even post anymore, so what is the point?Ok i sound like such an whimp...which i am not...I am sorry.
I love you so much...all of you...i hope you are doing great...also.....................
Vizzy?How are you, i haven't heard of you in awhile and i am starting to freak...please contact me ASAP

burden

i wanted to make a person happy...i failed miserably...i feel like a gray big spot that can't move...i feel as if i weight a tone emotionally... don't ask who that person is..it doesn't matter...all that matters is that i am a curse that passes through peoples life and crushes their hope, their dreams of happiness...i am really thinking about ending this blog...it won't do anyone any good...it will just allow me to weep to you, and it is not fair to none of you...i am really thinking about killing myself...it won't matter to anyone...i was just passing through your lives...but i really want to ask for a favor...be beautifully thin and lovely to all of you...be there to support each other...those months that i have been blogging have been the best...thank you...you have made my life so much happier just by me knowing you read my most intimate thoughts...that you are the only ones that really understood me...
Be there for all those who need you...Don't give up hoping for the best...
I LOVE YOU TO THE BONES
end of post and life...
"PerfectingMyEmptiness"