never did something in my life?

so my mom keeps yelling in my face that i can't do anything in my life, that i can't be good enough...and then she expects me to think highly of myself?she is upset without reasons, i got my grades today and she has started to yell that i have raised you to be proud of you, but i am ashamed...what makes her have the right to say that?she doesn't even know me, she doesn't know anything about me...absolutely nothing...why does she think that i am worthless?she didn't try to see how much i really worth...she doesn't want to realize that maybe i am capable of doing something with my life...
when did she cleaned the house last time?when was she really worried about the state of the house?when did she tried to teach me something?to just love me?
when i needed her the most she wasn't there,
when i was raped she chose to leave me alone,
when my best friend died...she chose to not see what i was going through...i lost then my last straw of sanity left in my mind...with his death...my life was empty...she never saw me for who i am but for who she wanted me to be and for who i wasn't...the truth is that i never reached her expectations...i could never even get a "good enough" out of her...she was always"it could have been better, but it wasn't so you don't deserve anything from me"...she never saw that i am better just by realizing that i am imperfect...i have flaws...a lot of them actually...
she thinks she can do everything, she has them all...she is a gift given to us by the mighty God...because of her i kept drowning in my own boiling water...i kept drowning in the bully i received at school, she never chose to see everything i went through...she is disappointed?no more than i am of her...
why did she adopted me?
was i another of her ambitions?
was i there just a piece of furniture with which she wanted to see if she can design it the way she wanted?and when she saw that the piece of furniture actually has her own beliefs that were different from what she thought that was good?
was i just that?
Why does she keeps tormenting me with the past?that if i wasn't in this family, she wouldn't fight with dad?
she doesn't know that i was here in that family to give an ally to dad?
so he could have the power to speak up?
she will have her beliefs,
her perfection,
but in real life,
she will be alone, with no one there to support her,
she will have to live with herself alone, without anyone there for her...
I will have
my imperfection,
my father,
my friends,
A,
Ana,
and i will have the world, meaning all of you, that are from everywhere in the world...America, Anglia, Australia etc.
"We will always have Paris" the famous quote says...well in our case we will always have blogger ville...and it suffices me enough...
I am very frustrated right now...i am sorry for me moaning to all of you...
you are the ones that give me strength...
Be proud of you imperfections..it is what gives us strength to hang on through cutting, starving, crying, hating...realizing that we do have flaws and that we can repair them...
Love is in our scars, bones, imperfections
End of post
"PerfectingMyEmptiness"