i feel distorted.ugly.worthless.wreck.whale.fat.chubby.
lack of wanting.lack of needing.writing.drawing.stretching.feeling.grieving myself.
I have no idea what this is, i just need to write the first things that come into my mind, the first things that enter my clouded twisted mind, i don't know if i want to share this with anyone, i am not sure if there is something to share, i just need to feel my fingers flying over the keyboard, writing anything there is, i just need to feel alive and moving and i want not to cut and if i stop writing now, i will cut and i don't want it, i know i sound like a 5 years old and i don't care, i just want to stop wanting the razor blade as my friend, i want it to be my enemy not my copying mechanism. I cannot stop moving my fingers, i need something else, i need a new obsession to live for, i need someone to make me feel nice about what, how i am, i want you, whoever you are, i want to scream my problems out loud, not whisper them to the wind, i want to be able to show my true feelings, not my mask made of glass. I want something, i crave something and that is a blade, but i am not home, and i exactly ask someone if they have a blade. So i am stuck to writing and you are,,hopefully,, stuck to reading my deranged weird words, they feel like little black holes in my big white mind. I know this might win the inexistent award of the most boring, random, grey-ish post ever, but if it makes me stop cutting then, so be it, that is actually why i created a blog, to vent, to express myself in ways that i cannot do it in real life, to show myself to others, because if i wouldn't have you guys, i would have been too tired to hold the mask to my face, and it would have fallen and that would have sucked big big big time, so than you even if you are not aware of the fact that i exist(i don't even know who am i talking to right now). I wish i had a black big big xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxl jacket to hide in it and be safe. I wish i would own a forest with trees, to laugh to hear everything, every creak of every branch, every footstep in the mud, everything, to feel like i am in control of whoever walks into my forest. Yes, i will just shut my computer and continue writing on a piece of paper that i will later burn to ashes, like everything else that gave me security even for a few seconds. Crappy post, i don't know why i still continue writing...OMGGGGGGGGG blogger ville keeps me trapped, i cannot stop typing.
Kidding, i will stop and move on to a (like any normal being would have done from the beginning) piece of paper.
Take Care
PME
13 comments:
life really can be crazy sometimes, love you.
writing is a great thing. hang in there, darling. kudos to you for choosing to do something instead of cutting. i cut last night&the regret afterward always makes me feel stupid.
xoxo
zette
Distractions are GREAT! Don't worry about what others think of what you call "boring" entries, because those are the truest for you.
This is your therapy, use it at your leisure.
just dropped by ur blog for the first time,u write very welll,keep up th egud work nd keep writing,writing does soothe u down nd extracts all the anger outa u.so find peace in wrting ur feelings out rather cutting ur feelings into pieces:)
cheers.
Hello there, I'm new to your blog and just read through.
I think it's very interesting what you said back in February. You said you want to be small and vulnerable so someone will protect you. One poster commented that vulnerable isn't always a good thing and of course she's right, I expect you know that best of all.
All people are vulnerable to terrible things like death and rape that you can't really defend yourself against. But when a girl is bigger, she doesn't look vulnerable. She looks like she can take care of herself, even if she really can't.
I hope this isn't too personal but I think a big part of the reason you are with Ana is because you are trying very hard to show everybody that you feel tiny and fragile and you need protecting, that you fee like you're not coping.
Maybe (and this is going out on a limb here, maybe a bit of a stretch), maybe your campaign to get people to give you better protection from the world is working. Maybe that's why your mum doesn't want to let you come to England for Uni. You are screaming 'Please Protect Me From The World!' with everything you have except actual words, and maybe on some level she is picking up that message.
I am glad you have this outlet and all these people who read your blog and support you. I am following you too now so I'll comment again soon. Until then I hope things start to get better for you, do what you need to cope, and try not to feel to bad about any of it. We are all striving for perfection, but none of us are truly perfect.
Love, Dande x
Hi PME,
Thanks for your comment, you were the first person to comment on my blog! :)
I have answered your question about why am I with Ana, but as usual I ended up writing a lot. So I made it into a post on my blog. If you want to read it here is the link:
http://dandelion---clock.blogspot.com/2011/06/why-am-i-with-ana.html
Think skinny!
Dande xoxo
i feel this sometimes :(
life is crazy.
stay strong.
xo
you are tagged http://goroshechek.blogspot.com/2011/06/tagged.html
Freedom writing is something my shrink used to make me do. Just get some distance by writing continuously until your hands ache.
xxx
Thank you.
xo
For the comment, for knowing what to say, and for letting me know that I'm not on my own. It means so much to know that someone cares.
xo
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