two worlds...

i am thorn between the world i created in my world, my previously explained Lalala Land. I feel like i should just close my eyes and break any connection from this world fueled by anger, resentments, food, agony, SADNESS. I want to live somewhere quiet. Why are we the way we are?why are the appearances so important for us?why do i feel so proud of reaching 140?i wonder if this will be the main and most important question for me all my life. I miss my old self.
Also i wanted to explain myself over the post in which i talked about my father. I don't know what possessed me to write that. I don't even remember how he looks like, how he feels like, how he talks like. I don't know what came over me, but the point is that i felt the need to write that. I am sorry is i confused you by that.
The poetry, some of them are written a long time ago, some of them are more recent, i didn't know how you'd react to them, but i said...fuck it i will do whatever i want.
You know when i talked in a post about the mute theater play at school? i entered, and am the main character, i was feeling very proud of it until momster said that everyone could have entered, i said that out of 25 contestants 5 of us entered. And i am so effing proud of myself i will not break for her pleasure.
A very good song:
Breaking Benjamin- "I will not bow", "Blow me away", and of course the all known "Diary of Jane"

I will not bow:

Fall!

Now The dark begins to rise, save your breath it's far from over
Leave the lost and dead behind, now's your chance to run for cover
I don't want to change the world, I just want to leave it colder
Light the fuse and burn it up, take the path that leads to nowhere
All is lost again, but I'm not giving in

I Will Not Bow, I Will Not Break
I Will shut the world away
I will not fall, I will not fade
I will take your breath away

Fall!

Blow me away:

[Verse 1:]
They fall in line
One at a time
Ready to play
(I can't see them anyway)
No time to lose
We've got to move
Steady your hand
(I am losing site again)

[Bridge:]
Fire your guns
It's time to run
Blow me away
(I will stay, in the mess I made)
After the fall
We'll shake it off
Show me the way

[Chorus:]
Only the strongest will survive
Lead me to heaven, when we die
I am the shadow on the wall
I'll be the one to save us all

[Verse 2:]
There's nothing left
So save your breath
Lying in wait
(Caught inside this tidal wave)
Your cover's blown
No where to go
Holding your fate
(Loaded I will walk alone)

[Bridge:]
Fire your guns
It's time to run
Blow me away
(I will stay, in the mess I made)
After the fall
We'll shake it off
Show me the way

[Chorus:]
Only the strongest will survive
Lead me to heaven, when we die
I am the shadow on the wall
I'll be the one to save us all

Don't want it back
(Don't fight me now)



Watch the end from dying eyes, now the dark is taking over
Show me where forever dies
Take the fall and run to heaven
All is lost again but I'm not giving in

I will not bow, I will not break
I will shut the world away
I will not fall, I will not fade
I will take your breath away

And I'll survive, paranoid I have lost the will to change
And I am not proud, cold blooded, fake
I will shut the world away

"Yells"

I will not bow, I will not break
I will shut the world away
I will not fall, I will not fade
I will take your breath away

And I'll survive, paranoid
I have lost the will to change and I am not proud, cold blooded, fake
I will shut the world away

Fall!

Diary of Jane:

If I had to
I would put myself right beside you
So let me ask
Would you like that?
Would you like that?

And I don't mind
If you say this love is the last time
So now I'll ask
Do you like that?
Do you like that?

No

Something's getting in the way
Something's just about to break
I will try to find my place in the diary of Jane
So tell me how it should be

Try to find out what makes you tick
As I lie down
Sore and sick
Do you like that?
Do you like that?

There's a fine line between love and hate
And I don't mind
Just let me say that I like that
I like that

Something's getting in the way
Something's just about to break
I will try to find my place in the diary of Jane
As I burn another page
As I look the other way
I still try to find my place in the diary of Jane
So tell me how it should be

Desperate, I will crawl
Waiting for so long
No love, there is no love
Die for anyone
What have I become

Something's getting in the way
Something's just about to break
I will try to find my place in the diary of Jane
As I burn another page
As I look the other way
I still try to find my place
In the diary of Jane


All is good, i am only being big emotional me.
I love you all, i know you are many but my heart is as big as my body, and you can all fit:)
You are beautiful inside and out.
End of post.
"PerfectingMyEmptiness"