post non-deserving of a title

Yeah i can't really put a title on this. Since last post, my mind was a total jumble mumble of thoughts, memories, cries, calories, counting, Ana, Ana, Ana. I think i have finally lost it, i feel dizzy, i feel like i am not really here. I simply feel like all the actions that happen in front of my eyes are from a movie, a sad sappy movie.
What triggered those feelings?well there was a girl that was bullied by her boyfriend, or fuck i don't know what the hell he was for her, the point is she was so small(not in age but in figure) and fragile and at that moment my heart broke for her, i felt my heart literally crying for her. And i began thinking, if i were her, what i would have done? Stupid situation, stupid question, stupid huge me. And i called the man on it, and he tried to make fun of me...guess which thing he began picking? Me being a bitch, a fat one at that...i can't really express how much it hurt and angered me. All i can say is he got a piece of his own medicine. Nothing important to say, just wanted to let you know i live:)
End of post
"PerfectingMyEmptiness"

a very good song

Stairway to Heaven-Led Zeppelin


There's a lady who's sure all that glitters is gold
And she's buying a stairway to heaven
When she gets there she knows, if the stores are all closed
With a word she can get what she came for
Ooh, ooh, and she's buying a stairway to heaven

There's a sign on the wall but she wants to be sure
'Cause you know sometimes words have two meanings
In a tree by the brook, there's a songbird who sings
Sometimes all of our thoughts are misleading
Ooh, it makes me wonder
Ooh, it makes me wonder

There's a feeling I get when I look to the west
And my spirit is crying for leaving
In my thoughts I have seen rings of smoke through the trees
And the voices of those who stand looking
and it makes me wonder
really makes me wonder

And it's whispered that soon if we all call the tune
Then the piper will lead us to reason
And a new day will dawn for those who stand long
And the forest will echo with laughter

GUITAR SOLO

If there's a bustle in your hedgerow, don't be alarmed now,
It's just a spring clean from the May Queen
Yes, there are two paths you can go by, but in the long run
There's still time to change the road you're on
Ooh, it makes me wonder
Ooh, Ooh, it makes me wonder

Your head is humming and it won't go, in case you don't know
The piper's calling you to join him
Dear lady, can't you hear the wind blow, and did you know
Your stairway lies on the whispering wind

GUITAR SOLO

And as we wind on down the road
Our shadows taller than our soul
There walks a lady we all know
Who shines white light and wants to show
How everything still turns to gold
And if you listen very hard
The tune will come to you at last
When all is one and one is all, yeah
To be a rock and not to roll.

And she's buying the stairway to heaven

poetry time

A fragment of relief followed by a tear
When I feel my scars burn and sear
I suddenly recall where I left my knife
To stand up and get it I feel enticed
For it usually makes the evil go away
But I'm shackled by fear and have to stay

Another day of unconscionable clarity
My dread rages to the edge of my sanity
Suddenly it seems to me that small boats
With people in it, in my veins floats
I even feel it tickle, it's all so real
I let out a scream to let you know what I feel

One day a day of evanescent grace
Drinking coffee with a smiling facade
Left for a second to visit the bathroom
To come back and feel the paranoia bloom
I panicked and froze in a deadlock
Did someone put poison in my cup?

I take delight in resting alone
Pain stigmatized in my soul
Innocent thoughts thrown far away
Out of reach and I'm here to stay
But as long as I'm hiding inside my shell
I descend the path of my own hell

What anathematized me from the light
Captured me in an endless fight
What blurred my border to pure fantasy
And slaughtered everything I called me
What erased my last fascination

wantingand getting is completely different

i want my real dad...i am sick and tired of hearing stories told by little girls about shit like, my dad is my hero. I want him no matter what...but i cannot. He is dead, i want him to come like in a very cliche and stupid movie to come and tell me it is going to be alright. I want THAT. And the worst?most of the bitches in the world don't even realize it. I want my daddy with me. To tell me he would catch me no matter from what i would fall. Why can't i have my daddy?
I am sick of this, i want to go where he is...I am through with this...THIS...life...my life...i miss smiling, i miss laughing so hard my tummy hurts...i miss how i loved dressing in pink, and not giving a fuck in the world.
I am finished
"PerfectingMyEmptiness"

well, that was unexpected

so, today at school, there is this girl that is really witty and just great, lets call her
...Al...
and she took off her coat, and a saw for a moment under the hem of her shirt angry red scars...i was just...WTF
i didn't know what to say, so i convinced her to skip a class and to talk to me.
I felt so good after talking to her, you know?
like i have made her feel better about herself, and for that i thank you God or Goddess, whatever there is upstairs.
I thank you for giving me the chance of making someone feel better.
Right now, i am feeling so peaceful, like nothing could make me feel wrong.
I am so used to considering myself a worthless human, but today...
i felt i had a purpose, and that maybe, hopefully she will give another try to life, and when she has the feeling that we oh so well know,
the feeling"I want to crawl under a stone and die" she will cal me,
so that i could make her feel better:)
I am just happy:), right now i think it is the first time in months that i feel ok:)
Love you all:*
"PerfectingMyEmptiness"

hypocrite....

i am always asked when i say i hate people, why. Today was the perfect example for it, i mean here is what happened, momster found some pills in my school bag, there weren't laxies, diet pills or anything remotely similar, there were pills for headaches. She started an entire speech about why i do drugs...which i find extremely hilarious given the fact that in the ninth grade i did drugs for almost the whole year, and she never noticed anything, now that i wouldn't touch anything even close to drugs...buff...she notices something rotten in my behavior...WTF?and the main thing that baffled me from her speech was"the next you will carry around will be condoms" i was still, simply the world turned to ice, an immobile vile bone chilling ice...then i erupted, and i did it thoroughly, without telling any of my secrets but just speaking in such manner, that when i finished she was O|O...it was funny, tragic and sad at the same time.
Why couldn't she take this motherly role when i really needed it?Why now?Couldn't she let me have the calm i have worked so hard to restore this week?Why did she had to blow it?
Last week i was erratic, without any reason for living...i cut for the first time in MONTHS, three to be exact, why did it have to happen? Because i am an extremely weak person. I hate it
Hypocrisy is such a nasty thing...and momster is even nastier...i mean i get raped, become addicted to drugs, best friend dies, and two years after it all happens...you begin to suspect something weird...HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?
I found something i haven't thought about till now...It isn't that i don't believe in God, i don't believe in all the nonsense pulled by humans on His account.
I feel angry with human mind, me, momster, human beings right now...
End of post
"PerfectingMyEmptiness"

when will i stop???

"She had to try harder but she was beginning to feel that she didn't have the energy. The will was there but her fears for failure were more so."
this is a quote from an older story of mine. I found it extremely fitting for how i feel...wasted, tired, i want to cry, i want to cut(i wont, i made 2 months yesterday without cutting)
The day started pretty well, woke up at 6 thirty, dressed, bought the usual bottle of pepsi, had two cigarettes, then as the day went on, i felt more and more tired, like i had a two tones burden in my mind, it was almost too hard to think.
I have news, my school is making a theater play for mute people. It is about pantomime, basically the story is the following:
boy meets girl, girl dies, one night boy dreams of all the wonderful moments shared with her, but in his dreams there are also 3 bad women, that try to stop them from loving each other. it is brilliant, they will let us know the cast Friday, wish me luck.
why do we always chase after something?we always chase after something, after a weight, money, career, good mark, appreciation from the others...how can we call ourselves evolved beings if we cannot live without another being near us?Why did i felt like choking today in class?i felt really like someone was choking me?i have lots of questions and no answer
Until next time, farewell my darlings(i feel like a combination between Dracula and Shakespeare, don't ask)
A very disturbing post, that was
Love ya
"PerfectingMyEmptiness"