thoughts

i miss laying on the grass....at night, looking at the stars...have you ever tried it? if not...try it...it will make you euphoric, it will make you forget a little...everything.

PME

I missed

    First of all...i am sorry, i know i have been saying sorry a lot lately, but I truly am sorry.
    I am in my final year at highschool, i have tons of exams, i have the admission exam at university. I have decided on studying here for college. I think that that has been and still is the best decision i could take.
    I am moving out, from my parent's house. I am still with L, the guy i have been telling you about...he still makes my stars shine, he still makes my heart flutter and my knees go weak. We have almost one year since we hooked up...it has been some time since Ana, Mia ceased their mumbling or their yelling in my head. I cannot not look and food labels, I cannot not calculate the calories...but I am better, way better, the nightmares have almost totally ceased...i am not moving in with him...
     I do want to know how have you been, what is new in your lives, if you want to, could you comment on this post or send me an e-mail at never_b@yahoo.com.
    I missed the feeling of blogging, the feeling of writing,
I love you so much, all of you, each one of you
xoxo
PME

AWAAAARD

I got an award...i am so so so thankful...
Soooooooooo:

1) I love giving pieces of advice, about personal life, professional life, whatever, I just love it.
2)The only thing i like about my body are my dimples, when i smile huge dimples show...
3)) I love piano songs...the atmosphere it creates is magic, so relaxing yet alarming....pure heaven
4) I love looking at the people crossing by, just looking at their expression, trying to decipher their thoughts, where are they going, where are they coming from.
5) I like the necklace and rings my mother bought me
6) I love my dimples
7) I love Misty and my boyfriend


My dearest friend
 Best best friend
she renders me speechless through her beautiful posts
she is a dear
she is a fighter

sunshine mood

i am so sorry, for all the ones that follow me, i am sorry i haven't been commenting properly, that i am not being attentive to you...

it is just, you know the feeling when you are extremely happy?

and you simply feel it is just you and him/her in this whole world.

i have decided to studying in a university in Romania and afterwards going for master in UK.

It is the best decision there is, i know i am still not ready, still not mature enough to go on my own, for if i go, i cannot come back, it is a one way street.

I am happy, i haven't cut in...many weeks, many months, i am happy, he gives me power to go on, but i know i could go on without him, i know that.

But he is a part of my soul.

I am talking of course of my boyfriend, i wish you could see him, he has sea-like blue, green, gray eyes, blonde.

He might not seem to others the most beautiful person on earth but for me he is...

yes ladies...ATTENTION EVERYONE...PME is TOTALLY WHIPPED.

he knows me, everything, and, SI, the rape, everything, not once has he shown pity, disgust like i thought he will, he is being attentive, it is like he knows what i am thinking, we are texting the same ideas in the same time. He completes, makes me feel unique and loved...

I do have dark thoughts, i do starve, but not like i used to, i do feel the urge of cutting but it gets lighter and lighter...i feel like i am winning, for once in my life i am winning...you know what? Myself, ladies, for i am worthy of being saved.

I think i love him...

there is this nagging little scared voice that tells me everytime that he will get bored, that he will break up with me, sometimes i give in and believe it, but most of the times, i just tell it to shush.

I am sorry if you felt i have abandoned you, i have most certainly not. I am with you, reading, but i do have the final exam, it is killing me, so much to study, so much pressure to have the biggest grade...what if i won't take it? those are my all-day-thoughts.

Sometimes i feel guilty of being so happy, for i think i don't deserve to be happy...

but i don't care whether i deserve the happiness or not, i just care that i am happy, i don't want to darken my sunshine like mood.

I love you so much, i hope you haven't feel abandoned, i did not abandon you, i am always here for you, i swear :)

Yours always truthfully,

PME

PS: Please take care of you, beautiful angels

xoxoxo

How does the Christmas smell for you? I mean for me, Christmas smells like oranges and pine. For you?

VIKTORIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, Maria Mena is my favorite singer, and her new album is so brilliant, pure genius.

Takes one to know one:

You’ve lived a haunted life
I’ve tried to imagine how I’d feel
If I was thrown into the public eye
Before my wounds had healed

The way you flashed us with your
Scars and told us about your rules
Like we were students in your “how-to-be dramatic” little school.

Now I can understand how
After all that you’ve been through
You’d lock yourself inside
Waiting for us to come and rescue you

But what I can’t fathom is
While imprisoned in yourself
You wouldn’t ever take a look around
Just blame everyone else,

Pulling the “look-at-me-I’m-hurt” card
Got you friends that wouldn’t dare
Question any little tantrum
No, halfway – they would meet you there

Your lover fears your reactions
He’s like a puppy on a leash
He doesn’t tread outside the boundaries
Without saying “please”

Now I can understand how
You’d be scared to trust again
Seeing how fame would be a magnet
For attention seeking friends

But what I can’t fathom is
If your friends lie to keep you calm
You wouldn’t ever ask yourself
Who they go that idea from

I could be scared of you
I would cater to your needs
Your dominating ways, my overwhelming fear of conflict feeds
But I’ve learned to get involved
By admitting more about myself
Takes one to know one hone, trust me take a look inside yourself.

It took me by surprise:

I would react badly To the slightest hint of hesitance He’d bend awkwardly to suit my mood No word from his defense I’d cry knowing how my tears Felt like acid burning through his skin Pushed every little button But the right one that would let me in Now he’s afraid of me Now he’s afraid of me It took me by surprise The hatred in his eyes I’ve pushed this man as far as he could go But he lacked the words to let me know He acted out, now I can see it was my fault I made changes That went unnoticed Sang songs for deaf ears He mistook my silence for punishment As it had been all these years I’d cry knowing how my tears felt like acid burning through his skin Now he’s afraid of me Now he’s afraid of me It took me by surprise The hatred in his eyes I’ve pushed this man as far as he could go But he lacked the words to let me know He acted out, now I can… It took me by surprise The hatred in his eyes I’ve pushed this man as far as he could go But he lacked the words to let me know He acted out, now I can see it was my fault

Secrets:

There’s a room inside your gut
Close the door and keep it shut
Let no daylight enter in
And the punishment begin

Who are you now to decide
Whether or not I can
Be exposed to what you hide
Just be a strong and silent man

But every wrong turn that you make
Will also be my mistake
Cause we’re connected through our hearts
And devastating part
Is that I foolishly defended you to myself
But secrets always have a way of coming out

I’m beginning now to see
What you must have thought of me
In a body-cast of glass
Life-changing information
Should just pass

But I don’t break that easily
And if you dared then you should see
That I can carry all the weight
Of the burdens on your plate

But every wrong turn that you make
Will also be my mistake
Cause we’re connected through our hearts
And devastating part
Is that I foolishly defended you to myself
But secrets always have a way of coming out

But every wrong turn that you make
Will also be my mistake
Cause we’re connected through our hearts
And devastating part
Is that I foolishly defended you to myself
But secrets always have a way of coming out

Am I supposed to apologize:

I wrote a song, a journal
Gave it to the world
Told the story
Of when I was just a girl

I sought understanding
Clarity in truth
By baring all the wounds
Inflicted on my youth

You critizied my voice
To stand up to my past
To give the pain a voice
So that it could pass

But I felt brave
And filled with pride as I let go
Of bitterness that wouldn’t leave or let me grow

And I will spend a lifetime
Trying to understand
Why someone sharing my bloodline
Would not lend me their hand

Am I supposed to apologize?
I’m supposed to apologize
I’m supposed to apologize
I’m supposed to apologize

I loved here more than myself
But she made me choose
Between her and my father
And so I refused

I fled her house and writh
Eleven years of age
Followed the crooked path
That led me to a stage

The curtains opened up
My heart followed the lead
The music wouldn’t stop
And I could finally breathe

But I will spend a lifetime
Trying to understand
Why someone sharing my bloodline
Would not lend me their hand

Would not lend me their hand

Am I supposed to apologize?
I’m supposed to apologize
I’m supposed to apologize
I’m supposed to apologize

The rest of those brilliant songs...discover them by yourself. Really, the album and she as a person are brilliant. LISTEN AND BE AMAZED.

Ever questioned yourself? like obsessively asking yourself why?why?why?

I did that today, and i found some really interesting things about myself, really, you should give it a try. One of my friends grandfather died...that is not nice

I have been having mood swings lately, lots of them, like now i am happy and the next minute i am depressed. My boyfriend has to endure the mental torture :D. I miss something, i do not know what, but i am more than sure i am missing something or someone...how can i find out? how do i remember something i forgot?

Ok and coming back to the asking why thing. It is so interesting and i used it to piss a guy and to make him leave me alone. IT WORKEEEEEEEEEEED.

I love you girls and boys.

Please take good care of your hearts, bodies and minds

And I am always here to "lend you a ear"(actually an eye, but nevermind)

XOXO

PME