what do you do when...

what can i do when i need to be alone and not offend anyone?
i sometimes feel alone and i want it this way.
I am so sorry for my long absence, it was due to network failure.
Oh and talking about failures, i am one too:)
In every aspect possible.
I love you from my bottom of my heart
"PerfectingMyEmptiness"

I don't think i ever considered myself a woman. I would like to consider myself forever a child. The thing is that my middle school was not the most pleasant time in my life...fuck it, it was horrible, i used to be bullied, people who wanted to be my friends couldn't be because of the outside influence. Every friend i have made eventually have fallen out.
That is why i have made myself used to not depending on something or someone. But then the rape happened, Ana happened, Mia happened, MPD happened...How have i managed to get so, so disordered?I keep asking myself this.
Also i am the not proud at all owner of 145 pounds. I seem to be in the never ending getting lower and then back again and so on.
Today i ate 2 chocolate bars, and a portion of pasta.
I look at myself and am disgusted. How i would wish to be small and vulnerable. you know when you see a person and she is tiny and thin, you have the immense desire to protect her. That is who i want to be...Will i ever be so?

oops

my parents just told me that i might not go to London for college...even tough i pay half of the money needed.
Apparently i am not mature enough, and i still will not be in one year and a half...I cook, i do all the cleaning in the house, i also fix if anything is broken...not mature enough my ass...it is just like her to step over my dreams and hopes...i will rot in this country. I feel quite miserable now...

constants, masks and other things

everything, every single thing is just passing by in our life.

There is no constant, nothing to help me hang on.

Every person just left his/her mark on me/ my soul and just up and about.

They never look back.

Why?

Is there really no one who is able to stay constant on one fucking thing?

does everyone have to change their opinion every time?

what about me?

where am i?

if everyone goes away, where does that leave me?

will i always be just a curled figure on the floor?

I just want to be loved.

Not to be left alone.

It makes me think about that night and many other that have passed since then.

I don't want to be alone with my thoughts.

They are more destructive than every other thing.

I hate how my mind wanders, pointing to the things that i always want to avoid.

I don't even make sense to myself, how can i expect anyone else to make sense of what i am, of how much i am worth, of who i am?

The past week has been...numb.

If you asked me even the most representative thing that has happened i couldn't tell you.

It is like my mind is a vault.

I don't want to think

I don't want to feel

I don't want to be hurt

I don't want everything i worked so hard to mend, to be broken with a thought.

I don't want anymore hypocrites in my life

I don't want to miss something when that thing is gone

I don't want to be lost

I don't want to be gone

I don't want to crave something i don't have

I don't want to disappoint

i don't want to set some goals i know i can't achieve

i don't want to fight lost battles or battle that aren't mine anymore.

I guess i don't want to be myself anymore

need

i need to feel something


i need to be loved


i need someone to love


i need to be skinny


i need to get myself together


i need to stop being scared of heartbreak


i need to sleep


i need to stop this lethargic state




i need to stop cutting


i need to stop disappointing


i need to get away from momster


i need to stop being a whiny little bitch


i need to re-learn to solve my own damn problems


i need...something

i feel drained...

something hit me today...hard...

No, not physically, but mentally, i had religion class today, and the teacher talked about abortion and the great sin that is against God.
It got me thinking that what if he would have let me pregnant?how many girls get pregnant from something like that? A sin?I don't think it is a sin, i think it would be a sin if the rape victim would keep the baby. She would, without necessarily wanting, blame the baby. He/she would be held responsible of a fact that had nothing to do with the brutal act. I am not against abortion, i could never be, i put myself in her shoes, i would do it without thinking twice, even if that would of course traumatize me, i would do it without second thoughts.
Do you think i am mistaken in my thinking?
Please answer.
End of Post
"PerfectingMyEmptiness"