randomness

confusing, mother, answer, sex, drugs, pills, addiction, phone, hospital, anorexia, bulimia, redundant,

pathetic, gregarious, tear, blood, bottle, letter, university, fees, forgotten, memory, song, piano,

pianist fingers, time, randomness, Hate, love, disgust, hurt, dignity, recognition, feelings, numb, mute,

reaction, cane, turned on, youth,songs, musical, crisis, gown, victory, white rose, meeting,

friends, stubborn, cruel, choice, slavery,

RANDOM.

*sigh*

parents refuse to pay for college in scotland, 4 months boyfriend L found out about ana, mia and keeps asking every fucking day what have i eaten, fat as fuck, 148...afraid to wear anything toooo tight.

How have you been?

PME with lots of angry self-mutilating thoughts.

How would it be like to loose you memory? not know who you are?

...

i have a shitty mood..i cannot sleep...i sleep 2 hours every night... and in those 2 hours i have nightmares with everyone i care about being dead...i need help and i forgot how it is to ask...how does someone ask for help?

"Somewhere along the way, you changed and you ceased to be yourself. You allowed people to point you with the finger and tell you you are unworthy."

I did that, didn't I?

i feel distorted.ugly.worthless.wreck.whale.fat.chubby.

lack of wanting.lack of needing.writing.drawing.stretching.feeling.grieving myself.

I have no idea what this is, i just need to write the first things that come into my mind, the first things that enter my clouded twisted mind, i don't know if i want to share this with anyone, i am not sure if there is something to share, i just need to feel my fingers flying over the keyboard, writing anything there is, i just need to feel alive and moving and i want not to cut and if i stop writing now, i will cut and i don't want it, i know i sound like a 5 years old and i don't care, i just want to stop wanting the razor blade as my friend, i want it to be my enemy not my copying mechanism. I cannot stop moving my fingers, i need something else, i need a new obsession to live for, i need someone to make me feel nice about what, how i am, i want you, whoever you are, i want to scream my problems out loud, not whisper them to the wind, i want to be able to show my true feelings, not my mask made of glass. I want something, i crave something and that is a blade, but i am not home, and i exactly ask someone if they have a blade. So i am stuck to writing and you are,,hopefully,, stuck to reading my deranged weird words, they feel like little black holes in my big white mind. I know this might win the inexistent award of the most boring, random, grey-ish post ever, but if it makes me stop cutting then, so be it, that is actually why i created a blog, to vent, to express myself in ways that i cannot do it in real life, to show myself to others, because if i wouldn't have you guys, i would have been too tired to hold the mask to my face, and it would have fallen and that would have sucked big big big time, so than you even if you are not aware of the fact that i exist(i don't even know who am i talking to right now). I wish i had a black big big xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxl jacket to hide in it and be safe. I wish i would own a forest with trees, to laugh to hear everything, every creak of every branch, every footstep in the mud, everything, to feel like i am in control of whoever walks into my forest. Yes, i will just shut my computer and continue writing on a piece of paper that i will later burn to ashes, like everything else that gave me security even for a few seconds. Crappy post, i don't know why i still continue writing...OMGGGGGGGGG blogger ville keeps me trapped, i cannot stop typing.

Kidding, i will stop and move on to a (like any normal being would have done from the beginning) piece of paper.

Take Care

PME

unsynchronized,

not functioning,

having trouble;

cut, binge, purge, starve;

bad marks,

not being able to focus,

being a fail during classes;

binge, purge, bite, cut;

fights with momster,

fighting battles that aren't mine,

trusting people i shouldn't;

starve, scream, cut, binge;

forgetting to post,

wanting to post but feeling not good enough,

the heart breaking every sad post, song, movie i read/listen/watch;

starve, cry, scream, binge;

breaking up with the boy from Czech Republic,

extremely low self-esteem, envy;

cry, scream, try, binge;

trying to keep up with the changes,

writing letters and not showing them to anyone,

re-learning to live.