VIKTORIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, Maria Mena is my favorite singer, and her new album is so brilliant, pure genius.

Takes one to know one:

You’ve lived a haunted life
I’ve tried to imagine how I’d feel
If I was thrown into the public eye
Before my wounds had healed

The way you flashed us with your
Scars and told us about your rules
Like we were students in your “how-to-be dramatic” little school.

Now I can understand how
After all that you’ve been through
You’d lock yourself inside
Waiting for us to come and rescue you

But what I can’t fathom is
While imprisoned in yourself
You wouldn’t ever take a look around
Just blame everyone else,

Pulling the “look-at-me-I’m-hurt” card
Got you friends that wouldn’t dare
Question any little tantrum
No, halfway – they would meet you there

Your lover fears your reactions
He’s like a puppy on a leash
He doesn’t tread outside the boundaries
Without saying “please”

Now I can understand how
You’d be scared to trust again
Seeing how fame would be a magnet
For attention seeking friends

But what I can’t fathom is
If your friends lie to keep you calm
You wouldn’t ever ask yourself
Who they go that idea from

I could be scared of you
I would cater to your needs
Your dominating ways, my overwhelming fear of conflict feeds
But I’ve learned to get involved
By admitting more about myself
Takes one to know one hone, trust me take a look inside yourself.

It took me by surprise:

I would react badly To the slightest hint of hesitance He’d bend awkwardly to suit my mood No word from his defense I’d cry knowing how my tears Felt like acid burning through his skin Pushed every little button But the right one that would let me in Now he’s afraid of me Now he’s afraid of me It took me by surprise The hatred in his eyes I’ve pushed this man as far as he could go But he lacked the words to let me know He acted out, now I can see it was my fault I made changes That went unnoticed Sang songs for deaf ears He mistook my silence for punishment As it had been all these years I’d cry knowing how my tears felt like acid burning through his skin Now he’s afraid of me Now he’s afraid of me It took me by surprise The hatred in his eyes I’ve pushed this man as far as he could go But he lacked the words to let me know He acted out, now I can… It took me by surprise The hatred in his eyes I’ve pushed this man as far as he could go But he lacked the words to let me know He acted out, now I can see it was my fault

Secrets:

There’s a room inside your gut
Close the door and keep it shut
Let no daylight enter in
And the punishment begin

Who are you now to decide
Whether or not I can
Be exposed to what you hide
Just be a strong and silent man

But every wrong turn that you make
Will also be my mistake
Cause we’re connected through our hearts
And devastating part
Is that I foolishly defended you to myself
But secrets always have a way of coming out

I’m beginning now to see
What you must have thought of me
In a body-cast of glass
Life-changing information
Should just pass

But I don’t break that easily
And if you dared then you should see
That I can carry all the weight
Of the burdens on your plate

But every wrong turn that you make
Will also be my mistake
Cause we’re connected through our hearts
And devastating part
Is that I foolishly defended you to myself
But secrets always have a way of coming out

But every wrong turn that you make
Will also be my mistake
Cause we’re connected through our hearts
And devastating part
Is that I foolishly defended you to myself
But secrets always have a way of coming out

Am I supposed to apologize:

I wrote a song, a journal
Gave it to the world
Told the story
Of when I was just a girl

I sought understanding
Clarity in truth
By baring all the wounds
Inflicted on my youth

You critizied my voice
To stand up to my past
To give the pain a voice
So that it could pass

But I felt brave
And filled with pride as I let go
Of bitterness that wouldn’t leave or let me grow

And I will spend a lifetime
Trying to understand
Why someone sharing my bloodline
Would not lend me their hand

Am I supposed to apologize?
I’m supposed to apologize
I’m supposed to apologize
I’m supposed to apologize

I loved here more than myself
But she made me choose
Between her and my father
And so I refused

I fled her house and writh
Eleven years of age
Followed the crooked path
That led me to a stage

The curtains opened up
My heart followed the lead
The music wouldn’t stop
And I could finally breathe

But I will spend a lifetime
Trying to understand
Why someone sharing my bloodline
Would not lend me their hand

Would not lend me their hand

Am I supposed to apologize?
I’m supposed to apologize
I’m supposed to apologize
I’m supposed to apologize

The rest of those brilliant songs...discover them by yourself. Really, the album and she as a person are brilliant. LISTEN AND BE AMAZED.

Ever questioned yourself? like obsessively asking yourself why?why?why?

I did that today, and i found some really interesting things about myself, really, you should give it a try. One of my friends grandfather died...that is not nice

I have been having mood swings lately, lots of them, like now i am happy and the next minute i am depressed. My boyfriend has to endure the mental torture :D. I miss something, i do not know what, but i am more than sure i am missing something or someone...how can i find out? how do i remember something i forgot?

Ok and coming back to the asking why thing. It is so interesting and i used it to piss a guy and to make him leave me alone. IT WORKEEEEEEEEEEED.

I love you girls and boys.

Please take good care of your hearts, bodies and minds

And I am always here to "lend you a ear"(actually an eye, but nevermind)

XOXO

PME

sometimes i feel like i cannot do it anymore, sometimes i feel like i am not good enough.

These past weeks have been hectic with all the applying for uni abroad.

You know i told you in a former post that i want to go to Scotland to uni and my parents won't agree?

well they still don't but i am capable of selling a kidney just to get money.

I won't do that, but you got the point.

All the stress and the fuss i have over uni means no hunger at all,

which is in a way good...i forgot how to write, how to tell you how my day has been,

i forgot that you are here for me, and for this i am sorry.

I am a hypocrite, asking you about your life but not telling you about mine.

I have a bf, you already know, let's name him L.

This guy is so so so sweet and kind, buuuuuut he found out about ed and

has been pressing this matter for some time, and i am thinking about dumping him,

i mean he should be able to take me as i am, not try to change me,

even if what i do is wrong for him. I don't know what to do with him,

i mean i see myself with him over years,

but that won't happen for i will go to Scotland and he will stay here, in Romania.

I faint...a lot, part due to not eating part due to stress.

My life in this moment is a complete chaos, i don't know left form right.

I am still a fat cow, i feel like i should be murdered for my fatness...

We were talking today in class, and the teacher asked us if we like taking risks...

when she asked me i had no answer, i didn't know what to say, i had no response.

I forget who i am, i succumb slowly in a world of darkness, at night, i cannot fall asleep,

i dream with my eyes open, at night i feel so alone that i hug myself tightly and cry myself to sleep. I am getting more and more depressed...

father noticed me crying the other night, he asked me why, i felt my throat constricting and i was practically unable to answer, not that i didn't want to answer, just couldn't.

I need some hope, some happiness...

i cannot talk with L about that he is a happy bubbly person,

i don't want to ruin his demeanor, sometimes he makes me laugh,

actually a lot of times, but when i am by myself,

i think about my laugh and realize it was completely fake.

I cannot look at myself in the mirror,

besides when i put make-up or check my hair or something,

you know when you catch a glimpse of yourself in a shop window or something?

i cannot look, it is like the reflection screams at me.

Sometimes i hear voices telling me how ugly i am, how i should be put in a cage.

Ana is my savior in these hard times, she comforts me, she puts her trust in me.

This post is so weird....i feel like i am a little bit better with some of the things i carry out of my chest. Also i have the problem with the uni,

those of you who live in Europe might know what i am talking about,

it is the stereotypes my country meets.

In this stupid country there are a lot of gypsies and they do a lot of crimes,

in the country and outside of it.

And because of them we, students that wish to study abroad,

meet the famous phrase"you are Romanian, that means gypsy" believe it or not,

it is a really big problem. Also i don't really trust my english, i mean,

yes, for this country it might be acceptable,

so in order to fix some problems i have with grammar,

could you tell me the grammar mistakes i usually make when i post?

i would appreciate it so so so much.

Also i would like to thank every one of you that follow me,

i feel extremely special and appreciated when i log on to blogger and i find some new subscribers, that means the world to me, thank you very very much.

I wish you didn't fall asleep while you read this post,

i just wrote the first thoughts that came into my mind, sorry for the randomness :)

Take care of your beautiful mind, body and soul

With love,

PME

PS: What word do you think that fits me? that describes me?

randomness

confusing, mother, answer, sex, drugs, pills, addiction, phone, hospital, anorexia, bulimia, redundant,

pathetic, gregarious, tear, blood, bottle, letter, university, fees, forgotten, memory, song, piano,

pianist fingers, time, randomness, Hate, love, disgust, hurt, dignity, recognition, feelings, numb, mute,

reaction, cane, turned on, youth,songs, musical, crisis, gown, victory, white rose, meeting,

friends, stubborn, cruel, choice, slavery,

RANDOM.

*sigh*

parents refuse to pay for college in scotland, 4 months boyfriend L found out about ana, mia and keeps asking every fucking day what have i eaten, fat as fuck, 148...afraid to wear anything toooo tight.

How have you been?

PME with lots of angry self-mutilating thoughts.

How would it be like to loose you memory? not know who you are?

...

i have a shitty mood..i cannot sleep...i sleep 2 hours every night... and in those 2 hours i have nightmares with everyone i care about being dead...i need help and i forgot how it is to ask...how does someone ask for help?