Thank you

Hello,my dear dear friends,
I feel I have neglected everyone here, some of you have helped me a lot during times that I don't think I could have helped myself. Thank you, to all of you...
My life has changed quite a lot, in a good sense, I have moved out of the hellhole, I am living with a beautiful, smart, funny guy who gently tries to make me see me for what I am. In some parts he has succeeded, in others I am not quite sure anybody can succeed. The point is that I am changed, in what, I do not exactly know, but I am changed, I am on my way to who I think I was supposed to be, if not for all this chaos that has happened in my life.
I wish you could see the way he is, how beautiful, caring...he is a wonderful human being. I try to battle this feeling that has been creeping up on me that says he deserves someone else, but I am not sure how much of it can be put out as a false thought. Why do I still feel as if I don't deserve? His mother is a wonderful woman who loves me and treats me as her own daughter. He studied psychology...I feared that once he knew it all he will run in the other way as fast as possible... And guess what, he didn't, he stayed rooted to the place... Dear human beings...he has given me what no one else could...he gave me roots, he taught me the sense of a home... I cannot begin to thank him enough...
I have recently come upon the discovery that my father is alive...my father whom I thought dead for the past few years...what do I do with that information? I have no idea...but what I do know is that I will manage.. I can proudly say that MIA, SI have gone from my life entirely, with Ana...that is something else, I can still hear her voice, but that also is a faint ghost of the scream that used to be heard...
I need to hear from you...all of you that still read this post...can you please do that? my mail is never_b@yahoo.com...please do feel free to e-mail me...if you need someone whom you can talk to, I know I may not be of much help, but at least you can talk to me :)
I hold you near my heart...Thank you,
PME

well...i miss him...i still feel his fingertips on my skin, his breathy voice in my ear telling me sweet words...

I've been starting to write new posts for a week now, but i keep changing them...first of all, if there are people that are still reading my crappy posts...thank you so much and i hope it helped you :)
My life? there are so many things to write about...i broke up with L, it is just better, you know? Have you ever got the feeling that your "mission" in  someone's life has finished? that is what i am feeling with L...
Ed has been quiet for a while, i still think about fat fat fat, but it is way better than it was a few years ago...
Do you know the feeling of emptiness? not hunger...emptiness, that is more or less how i feel, i feel drained, i feel as if talking to others will finish all my strength....as if simply walking is an ordeal, i want to stop thinking, to stop having to make decisions...
The Law school has been going down, i want to quit, i want to finish the Marketing College, i want to fly, my dear broken girls...i want to fly and not look back...
I want to feel as if the earth is behind me, nothing to stop me...i am starting to hate people, to hate my parents, to hate everyone...i want... i don't even want to know what i want...i fail and i want to stop being a failure in every sense...
I now remember why i loved this blog, i want to love it again...this was, is and will be forever the place to hide and lick my injuries, the place where i can rant, and even if no one will be reading this piece of crap, i will be free from it...
I want to get rid of the people that hurt me, to erase them from my mind, to be able to think about the beautiful things that have happened to me, the beautiful people i have encountered...
I want so much to learn to be selfish, pure and unaltered selfishness...to be able to think solely of myself and not of others....
I had a dream, dear ones, a dream that could have been accomplished but as always, money, being the most important thing in our world, stopped me... The Law School...it breaks me when i think that i will have to quit...
I wish my parents could stop yelling, i wish i could be 12 again, to not see the hatred in their eyes...i feel as if my parents are the predator and i am the prey...i feel cornered...i want to get out...
The feeling of home has been forever erased from my mind because of them, the way they think, the way they act, based solely on appearances. I sometimes feel like the only reason they tolerate me is that i have been their trophy, always being complimented by relatives and acquaintances...
I never studied out of pleasure, but because i knew i had to make them feel happy with me...
I want to ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun far away, away from everything...i feel like i am choking on air...
Sorry for this post :))
Take care of you, dear souls,
PME

READ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

can i have a magic wand? to make you all happy, to take the pain away? to make you understand the beauty you all possess? i wouldn't use it for myself...i wish i had one for you...while i read the many things you have gone through...it makes me sick...it makes me see how courageous you are, brave...
You are all fighters, nevermind the opponent, it may be an army or a mirror...you are fighters, who have many fights to carry on but deny even the thought of giving up...please, don't give up this beautiful thing called life...smile as much as you can, laugh even when it is considered inappropriate, make the best of your experience...
I wish you could see the sincerity in my words...i see you all as beautiful because i know your struggles, your everyday heroic act...
I love you, deeply and wish i could hug you, even if i don't know you face-to-face...i wish i could give you a big hug for everything you have done to survive, nevermind it was wrong or right, you tried, you woke up, you fought, brave soldiers.
For that you have all my respect, you deserve it, i bow before you ...
Even if you don't comment, i wish you would read that...
Take care beautiful human beings, tomorrow i shall write again...
PME

HOW ARE YOU???

Hello...i am really ashamed of my absence...really sorry and if you wish to forgive me one more time, i am going to be extremely grateful...i am...ok, i think, i am...happy, this is a state of mind i didn't often encountered and it brings me an euphoria that i never felt...i am happy...loved, cared for...i wish you could feel it...and i really mean that...i see that most of you gave up trying to talk to me and i understand that, but still i wish you could tell me how are you...what happened lately...with everyone...

what do you call a stupid girl doing stupid things?
Guess...ME ME ME!!!!!!!!!!

i have been friend zoned by L...i feel my heart shattered...ana's whispers are turning louder and louder...

thoughts

i miss laying on the grass....at night, looking at the stars...have you ever tried it? if not...try it...it will make you euphoric, it will make you forget a little...everything.

PME

I missed

    First of all...i am sorry, i know i have been saying sorry a lot lately, but I truly am sorry.
    I am in my final year at highschool, i have tons of exams, i have the admission exam at university. I have decided on studying here for college. I think that that has been and still is the best decision i could take.
    I am moving out, from my parent's house. I am still with L, the guy i have been telling you about...he still makes my stars shine, he still makes my heart flutter and my knees go weak. We have almost one year since we hooked up...it has been some time since Ana, Mia ceased their mumbling or their yelling in my head. I cannot not look and food labels, I cannot not calculate the calories...but I am better, way better, the nightmares have almost totally ceased...i am not moving in with him...
     I do want to know how have you been, what is new in your lives, if you want to, could you comment on this post or send me an e-mail at never_b@yahoo.com.
    I missed the feeling of blogging, the feeling of writing,
I love you so much, all of you, each one of you
xoxo
PME

AWAAAARD

I got an award...i am so so so thankful...
Soooooooooo:

1) I love giving pieces of advice, about personal life, professional life, whatever, I just love it.
2)The only thing i like about my body are my dimples, when i smile huge dimples show...
3)) I love piano songs...the atmosphere it creates is magic, so relaxing yet alarming....pure heaven
4) I love looking at the people crossing by, just looking at their expression, trying to decipher their thoughts, where are they going, where are they coming from.
5) I like the necklace and rings my mother bought me
6) I love my dimples
7) I love Misty and my boyfriend


My dearest friend
 Best best friend
she renders me speechless through her beautiful posts
she is a dear
she is a fighter

sunshine mood

i am so sorry, for all the ones that follow me, i am sorry i haven't been commenting properly, that i am not being attentive to you...

it is just, you know the feeling when you are extremely happy?

and you simply feel it is just you and him/her in this whole world.

i have decided to studying in a university in Romania and afterwards going for master in UK.

It is the best decision there is, i know i am still not ready, still not mature enough to go on my own, for if i go, i cannot come back, it is a one way street.

I am happy, i haven't cut in...many weeks, many months, i am happy, he gives me power to go on, but i know i could go on without him, i know that.

But he is a part of my soul.

I am talking of course of my boyfriend, i wish you could see him, he has sea-like blue, green, gray eyes, blonde.

He might not seem to others the most beautiful person on earth but for me he is...

yes ladies...ATTENTION EVERYONE...PME is TOTALLY WHIPPED.

he knows me, everything, and, SI, the rape, everything, not once has he shown pity, disgust like i thought he will, he is being attentive, it is like he knows what i am thinking, we are texting the same ideas in the same time. He completes, makes me feel unique and loved...

I do have dark thoughts, i do starve, but not like i used to, i do feel the urge of cutting but it gets lighter and lighter...i feel like i am winning, for once in my life i am winning...you know what? Myself, ladies, for i am worthy of being saved.

I think i love him...

there is this nagging little scared voice that tells me everytime that he will get bored, that he will break up with me, sometimes i give in and believe it, but most of the times, i just tell it to shush.

I am sorry if you felt i have abandoned you, i have most certainly not. I am with you, reading, but i do have the final exam, it is killing me, so much to study, so much pressure to have the biggest grade...what if i won't take it? those are my all-day-thoughts.

Sometimes i feel guilty of being so happy, for i think i don't deserve to be happy...

but i don't care whether i deserve the happiness or not, i just care that i am happy, i don't want to darken my sunshine like mood.

I love you so much, i hope you haven't feel abandoned, i did not abandon you, i am always here for you, i swear :)

Yours always truthfully,

PME

PS: Please take care of you, beautiful angels

xoxoxo

How does the Christmas smell for you? I mean for me, Christmas smells like oranges and pine. For you?

VIKTORIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, Maria Mena is my favorite singer, and her new album is so brilliant, pure genius.

Takes one to know one:

You’ve lived a haunted life
I’ve tried to imagine how I’d feel
If I was thrown into the public eye
Before my wounds had healed

The way you flashed us with your
Scars and told us about your rules
Like we were students in your “how-to-be dramatic” little school.

Now I can understand how
After all that you’ve been through
You’d lock yourself inside
Waiting for us to come and rescue you

But what I can’t fathom is
While imprisoned in yourself
You wouldn’t ever take a look around
Just blame everyone else,

Pulling the “look-at-me-I’m-hurt” card
Got you friends that wouldn’t dare
Question any little tantrum
No, halfway – they would meet you there

Your lover fears your reactions
He’s like a puppy on a leash
He doesn’t tread outside the boundaries
Without saying “please”

Now I can understand how
You’d be scared to trust again
Seeing how fame would be a magnet
For attention seeking friends

But what I can’t fathom is
If your friends lie to keep you calm
You wouldn’t ever ask yourself
Who they go that idea from

I could be scared of you
I would cater to your needs
Your dominating ways, my overwhelming fear of conflict feeds
But I’ve learned to get involved
By admitting more about myself
Takes one to know one hone, trust me take a look inside yourself.

It took me by surprise:

I would react badly To the slightest hint of hesitance He’d bend awkwardly to suit my mood No word from his defense I’d cry knowing how my tears Felt like acid burning through his skin Pushed every little button But the right one that would let me in Now he’s afraid of me Now he’s afraid of me It took me by surprise The hatred in his eyes I’ve pushed this man as far as he could go But he lacked the words to let me know He acted out, now I can see it was my fault I made changes That went unnoticed Sang songs for deaf ears He mistook my silence for punishment As it had been all these years I’d cry knowing how my tears felt like acid burning through his skin Now he’s afraid of me Now he’s afraid of me It took me by surprise The hatred in his eyes I’ve pushed this man as far as he could go But he lacked the words to let me know He acted out, now I can… It took me by surprise The hatred in his eyes I’ve pushed this man as far as he could go But he lacked the words to let me know He acted out, now I can see it was my fault

Secrets:

There’s a room inside your gut
Close the door and keep it shut
Let no daylight enter in
And the punishment begin

Who are you now to decide
Whether or not I can
Be exposed to what you hide
Just be a strong and silent man

But every wrong turn that you make
Will also be my mistake
Cause we’re connected through our hearts
And devastating part
Is that I foolishly defended you to myself
But secrets always have a way of coming out

I’m beginning now to see
What you must have thought of me
In a body-cast of glass
Life-changing information
Should just pass

But I don’t break that easily
And if you dared then you should see
That I can carry all the weight
Of the burdens on your plate

But every wrong turn that you make
Will also be my mistake
Cause we’re connected through our hearts
And devastating part
Is that I foolishly defended you to myself
But secrets always have a way of coming out

But every wrong turn that you make
Will also be my mistake
Cause we’re connected through our hearts
And devastating part
Is that I foolishly defended you to myself
But secrets always have a way of coming out

Am I supposed to apologize:

I wrote a song, a journal
Gave it to the world
Told the story
Of when I was just a girl

I sought understanding
Clarity in truth
By baring all the wounds
Inflicted on my youth

You critizied my voice
To stand up to my past
To give the pain a voice
So that it could pass

But I felt brave
And filled with pride as I let go
Of bitterness that wouldn’t leave or let me grow

And I will spend a lifetime
Trying to understand
Why someone sharing my bloodline
Would not lend me their hand

Am I supposed to apologize?
I’m supposed to apologize
I’m supposed to apologize
I’m supposed to apologize

I loved here more than myself
But she made me choose
Between her and my father
And so I refused

I fled her house and writh
Eleven years of age
Followed the crooked path
That led me to a stage

The curtains opened up
My heart followed the lead
The music wouldn’t stop
And I could finally breathe

But I will spend a lifetime
Trying to understand
Why someone sharing my bloodline
Would not lend me their hand

Would not lend me their hand

Am I supposed to apologize?
I’m supposed to apologize
I’m supposed to apologize
I’m supposed to apologize

The rest of those brilliant songs...discover them by yourself. Really, the album and she as a person are brilliant. LISTEN AND BE AMAZED.

Ever questioned yourself? like obsessively asking yourself why?why?why?

I did that today, and i found some really interesting things about myself, really, you should give it a try. One of my friends grandfather died...that is not nice

I have been having mood swings lately, lots of them, like now i am happy and the next minute i am depressed. My boyfriend has to endure the mental torture :D. I miss something, i do not know what, but i am more than sure i am missing something or someone...how can i find out? how do i remember something i forgot?

Ok and coming back to the asking why thing. It is so interesting and i used it to piss a guy and to make him leave me alone. IT WORKEEEEEEEEEEED.

I love you girls and boys.

Please take good care of your hearts, bodies and minds

And I am always here to "lend you a ear"(actually an eye, but nevermind)

XOXO

PME

sometimes i feel like i cannot do it anymore, sometimes i feel like i am not good enough.

These past weeks have been hectic with all the applying for uni abroad.

You know i told you in a former post that i want to go to Scotland to uni and my parents won't agree?

well they still don't but i am capable of selling a kidney just to get money.

I won't do that, but you got the point.

All the stress and the fuss i have over uni means no hunger at all,

which is in a way good...i forgot how to write, how to tell you how my day has been,

i forgot that you are here for me, and for this i am sorry.

I am a hypocrite, asking you about your life but not telling you about mine.

I have a bf, you already know, let's name him L.

This guy is so so so sweet and kind, buuuuuut he found out about ed and

has been pressing this matter for some time, and i am thinking about dumping him,

i mean he should be able to take me as i am, not try to change me,

even if what i do is wrong for him. I don't know what to do with him,

i mean i see myself with him over years,

but that won't happen for i will go to Scotland and he will stay here, in Romania.

I faint...a lot, part due to not eating part due to stress.

My life in this moment is a complete chaos, i don't know left form right.

I am still a fat cow, i feel like i should be murdered for my fatness...

We were talking today in class, and the teacher asked us if we like taking risks...

when she asked me i had no answer, i didn't know what to say, i had no response.

I forget who i am, i succumb slowly in a world of darkness, at night, i cannot fall asleep,

i dream with my eyes open, at night i feel so alone that i hug myself tightly and cry myself to sleep. I am getting more and more depressed...

father noticed me crying the other night, he asked me why, i felt my throat constricting and i was practically unable to answer, not that i didn't want to answer, just couldn't.

I need some hope, some happiness...

i cannot talk with L about that he is a happy bubbly person,

i don't want to ruin his demeanor, sometimes he makes me laugh,

actually a lot of times, but when i am by myself,

i think about my laugh and realize it was completely fake.

I cannot look at myself in the mirror,

besides when i put make-up or check my hair or something,

you know when you catch a glimpse of yourself in a shop window or something?

i cannot look, it is like the reflection screams at me.

Sometimes i hear voices telling me how ugly i am, how i should be put in a cage.

Ana is my savior in these hard times, she comforts me, she puts her trust in me.

This post is so weird....i feel like i am a little bit better with some of the things i carry out of my chest. Also i have the problem with the uni,

those of you who live in Europe might know what i am talking about,

it is the stereotypes my country meets.

In this stupid country there are a lot of gypsies and they do a lot of crimes,

in the country and outside of it.

And because of them we, students that wish to study abroad,

meet the famous phrase"you are Romanian, that means gypsy" believe it or not,

it is a really big problem. Also i don't really trust my english, i mean,

yes, for this country it might be acceptable,

so in order to fix some problems i have with grammar,

could you tell me the grammar mistakes i usually make when i post?

i would appreciate it so so so much.

Also i would like to thank every one of you that follow me,

i feel extremely special and appreciated when i log on to blogger and i find some new subscribers, that means the world to me, thank you very very much.

I wish you didn't fall asleep while you read this post,

i just wrote the first thoughts that came into my mind, sorry for the randomness :)

Take care of your beautiful mind, body and soul

With love,

PME

PS: What word do you think that fits me? that describes me?

randomness

confusing, mother, answer, sex, drugs, pills, addiction, phone, hospital, anorexia, bulimia, redundant,

pathetic, gregarious, tear, blood, bottle, letter, university, fees, forgotten, memory, song, piano,

pianist fingers, time, randomness, Hate, love, disgust, hurt, dignity, recognition, feelings, numb, mute,

reaction, cane, turned on, youth,songs, musical, crisis, gown, victory, white rose, meeting,

friends, stubborn, cruel, choice, slavery,

RANDOM.

*sigh*

parents refuse to pay for college in scotland, 4 months boyfriend L found out about ana, mia and keeps asking every fucking day what have i eaten, fat as fuck, 148...afraid to wear anything toooo tight.

How have you been?

PME with lots of angry self-mutilating thoughts.

How would it be like to loose you memory? not know who you are?

...

i have a shitty mood..i cannot sleep...i sleep 2 hours every night... and in those 2 hours i have nightmares with everyone i care about being dead...i need help and i forgot how it is to ask...how does someone ask for help?

"Somewhere along the way, you changed and you ceased to be yourself. You allowed people to point you with the finger and tell you you are unworthy."

I did that, didn't I?